Atheist fox den

  Judges   More massacre at Bezek, Jerusalem massacred, four massacres and a weddinmg.   “Red wedding massacre?” Angel asked. “Stop it.” God said, annoyed.   More massacre at Bethel, God sells Israelites into slavery. “Wow, so you freed your people, only to have them be enslaved again.” Angel said. “I condone slavery.” God said. “Damn it, I should have also added in the law, ‘NO SLAVERY!’”   With so much killings and war and massacres, George RR Martin is jerking off to it!   Jephthah asks God to allow him to win the war, and if he does, then he will sacrifice the first thing that comes out of his house. “Fine, you can win if you promise to sacrifice someone from your door! And so God allowed Jephthah to win and he returns home, “Finally I won. So glad to be home at last. “Daddy!” His daughter comes out of the house singing and tambourines. Jephthah tore at his clothes, “No! No! Not my daughter! Oh, my sweet little girl. ...

  Joshua   “Joshua, Moses had passed on in … natural circumstances. You’re now in charge. You will dispose of the nations occupying the home. I swore to their ancestors I will give it to them.” God said. “God, what are you doing?” “I’m getting my people to take the lands from the other tribes and all. “   “Ok, God gave me instructions to take over Jericho, I want you two to go as spies into Jericho.” Jacob told to two guys. They went and found a prostitute named Rahab. They spend the night with her there. “Umm… These guys were instructed to spy, not to have fun with prostitutes.” Angel said. “Pssh, so what? Is that your new ‘law’ now, Angel? No fun with prostitutes?” God mocked. “Oh real mature. You’re the one who has serious hang ups about sex, not me!” Angel said.   The king of Jericho is told, “Some isrealite mean have come here tonight to spy on the land.” “How did they know they were spies?” Angel asked. “Meh, I don’t know.” “An all knowing God doesn’t know....

  Deuteronomy   Numbers 15:15, Deuteronomy 4:2 “Listen up! The law is permanent for all future generations! You must add nothing to it, nor subtract anything from it, but keep the commandments of God just as I lay them down for you!” “Wow, I guess Christians didn’t pick up this memo. They have been dismissing most of the laws of the bible, claiming that because it was the old testament, it doesn’t apply to them. Pretty ironic, don’t you think?” “Oh pack it in.” God said.   “If you accidently killed someone, you deserved to die!” “Whoa, that is insane.” “If a man ejaculates, has nocturnal emissions, he must wash his whole body and will be unclean until evening. If man has intercourse with a woman, they both must wash up.” “Well washing is a good idea, but I disagree with unclean.” Angel said. “Oh shut up.” God said. “If a woman is on her period, she will remain in a state of pollution for seven days. Anyone who touches her will be unclean until even...

  Numbers   “Oh we are starving! If only we have meat to eat! Think of the fish we used to eat freely in Egypt. The cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions and the garlic. But there’s nothing but this manna to eat!” “Oh very well, I shall give you guys meat to eat.” God said. “Wow, that’s really nice of you God.” Angel said. “you will not eat it for 1 day, ot 2, or 5, or ten, or 20, but a whole month. Until it comes out of your nostrils and sickens you!” Then God gives them meat, which they cannot chew and then God strikes them with the plague. “What the hell, God?” Angel said. “They were ungrateful! After all that I did for them!” God said. “How are they being ungrateful? They can’t eat bread alone and them asking for meat is not being ungrateful. You want ungratefulness? How about when someone who was given everything but chose to do nothing but sit around and act entitled to everything, never working or contributing anything but take and criticize the...

  Exodus   So now we have a story of Moses. God appears before him, “Moses, I come before you as a burning bush.” “That sounds what my wife has when she was itching down there.” “MOSES! I will have you free the Israelites from Pharoah’s rule. I’ll help you through some magic. But know this, I will harden his heart, so he won’t free your people.” “Harden his heart? Why?” Moses asked. “Because I want to impress people with some magic and I wanted to kill the firstborns of Egypt.” God said. “What? God, what are you doing? None of that makes sense! If you want the Israelites free, just have them be set free! There’s no reason to do all this silly magic tricks.” “Oh can it. The plagues are gonna be huge and it’s gonna be epic!”   “Oh Pharoah, let my people go!” Moses said. “Or you’ll what? My heart is already harden because I’m an ignoramus jerk, why would I need some deity to harden it any further, anyway?” “Behold! I turn my staff into a snake!” Moses...

Jacob and Esau   Isaac grew old and has a wife Rebekah. She birth twins, Esau who is hairy and the older and Jacob who is the younger one. Esau is the hunter and Jacob tends the gardens. “I’m detecting a pattern here.” Angel said. “Oh?” God asked. “Cain was gardening, Esau is gardening. Jacob and Abel are both hunters.” “So?” God asked. “Isaac preferred Esau because of meat and you preferred Abel because of meat. Seriously, you are not a fan of vegetables. Not only that, you seem to enjoy having sibling rivalry.” “Angel, children are always fighting among themselves.” “Yes, but God, favoritism is not a good thing and it only stirs resentment and violence. Sibling rivalry may not be uncommon but it doesn’t bode well when parents favor one over the other and cause siblings to kill each other!” “Relax, they’re not gonna kill each other!” “Esau, I’m old and blind. I may die any day now. Go fetch me some meat to eat. So I can give you my blessing.” Rebekah hearing this decided to convin...

  Sodom and Gomorrah   The two angels came to Sodom in the evening. Lot was sitting at the city gate. “My lords, please turn aside to your servant’s house. Wash your feet and spend the night, and then wake up and go your way.” Said Lot. “That’s ok, we’ll just spend the night in the square.” One of the angel said. “No, no, I insist. There’s a lot of sin going on.” Lot said. “And what sins are there in the city?” Angel said to God. “Gluttony, greed and lust.” God said. “You know, your followers are going to think this was all about homosexuality.” Angel said. “Well homosexuality is a sin, though this isn’t the reason why.” God said. “Well God, I don’t know why you think Lot is righteous.” “Look, he’s taken in two of the guests. No one else did.” God said. “No one else? Lot was practically at the gate, like he was waiting for this opportunity. Besides, who is to say that someone else wouldn’t be so kind to host some angels?” “Well you heard Abraham, the ...

  And so humankind became abundant on earth. And daughters were born to them. “wow, got bored just making sons, huh? Finally making daughters?” Angel said. “Shut the hell up, already.” God said. Sons saw that women are good, so they took them for themselves. “My spirit will not remain in humankind forever since they are flesh. Their time will be 120 years.” “What are you talking about? You’re gonna leave humanity to their own device?” Angel asked. “It’s been so many years. But I will still stick around for a little while.” And there are giants in those days. “Giants? Giants? How can there be giants when there was no record of them in the future? Also, how did we get giants here?” Angel asked. “Oh, it’s a metaphor. They’re not giants like you see in those movies and such, but like those who are just really, really tall. Like… Andre the giant.” “Fine. Fair enough, I guess.” Humankind were all just buggering each other, which is somehow a wrongdoing, which they’r...