bible fun, Exodus part 6

 Exodus

 

So now we have a story of Moses. God appears before him, “Moses, I come before you as a burning bush.”

“That sounds what my wife has when she was itching down there.”

“MOSES! I will have you free the Israelites from Pharoah’s rule. I’ll help you through some magic. But know this, I will harden his heart, so he won’t free your people.”

“Harden his heart? Why?” Moses asked.

“Because I want to impress people with some magic and I wanted to kill the firstborns of Egypt.” God said.

“What? God, what are you doing? None of that makes sense! If you want the Israelites free, just have them be set free! There’s no reason to do all this silly magic tricks.”

“Oh can it. The plagues are gonna be huge and it’s gonna be epic!”

 

“Oh Pharoah, let my people go!” Moses said.

“Or you’ll what? My heart is already harden because I’m an ignoramus jerk, why would I need some deity to harden it any further, anyway?”

“Behold! I turn my staff into a snake!” Moses said.

“I don’t need to know about your erectile dysfunction! Bad enough all my magicians have that too!” Pharoah said.

“Behold! My snake eats all your guys’ snakes too.” Moses said.

“This sounds a bit… gay.” Pharoah said.

“If you do not release my people, you will have plagues on you!”

Soon Moses waved his staff, “Behold! Your river turns to blood and it stinks and all your fish dies!”

“Meh, not impressive. My magicians can do that too.” Pharoah said.

“Behold! I will plague you with frogs!” Moses said.

“Oh no… not… the frogs! The water will make it gay! And my magicians can do that too.” Pharoah laughed!

“Behold! Mosquitoes!”

“Meh, magicians can do that too.” Pharoah said.

“no we can’t!” Magicians said.

“Oh shut up.” Pharoah said.

“Behold! Beetles!”

“Oh Beetles, I love the beetles!”

“No, not the musicians! Actual bugs!” Moses said.

“Oh. Still, no.”

“Behold! Plague on all your livestock! Now you will have no food to eat!”

“well… we’ll just eat your livestock.”

“Behold! Boils and sores!”

“Nope, not even then.” Pharoah said.

“God, this is ridiculous! Stop this now, you’re not being impressive. I’m surprised your followers think this was good or impressive.”

“Pssh, whatever! Let me have my fun!”

 

“Behold! Hailstorm! Now all your livestock is dead and more!”

“Dude, what livestock? You already wiped out the livestock!” Pharoah said.

“Behold! Locusts!”

“Hmmm…. I can have them dipped in honey as snacks, since you already wiped out my livestock.”

“God, I’m tired of this!” Moses complained.

“Shut the hell up and keep doing it! Moses, you will now tell them I will wipe out all the firstborns of Egypt!”

And so God killed all the firstborns of Egypt.

“Oh God damn it all, get the hell out of here, you’re all nothing but trouble anyway!” Pharoah yelled over his dead son.

 

“Come my people, let us go and we shall worship God.” Moses led the people to the red sea.

“Look Moses, Pharoah and the chariots are after us!” one said.

“Behold! I shall part the read sea!” Moses parted the red sea and they crossed the sea. After they got to the other side, pharaoh and his army drowned.

“Bam! That was epic!” God said.

“None of this was even necessary.” Angel said.

 

Three months on the day they left Egypt. They reached the desert of Sinai.

“Moses, tell your people to obey me, like good like sheep.”

So Moses did.

“God, what are you doing?” Angel said.

“Hey, it’s gonna a kicker, people loving and fearing me. Just the way I like it.” God laughed, “ok, Moses. You will go up the mountain. Tell your people if they touch the mountain, they will die. By stone or an arrow.”

“An arrow in the knee?” Angel joked.

“I swear by me, you ruin everything!” God said.

“Ok god, so I shall ascend to the top of the mountain. No one is to touch the mountain.” Moses said as he ascends the mountain.

“Oh, and tell your people not to look at me, or they will perish.” God said.

“You know this all sounds too suspicious.” Angel said.

“Oh?” God asked.

“Yeah, ‘don’t follow me, don’t see god, or you will die.’” Sounds like something a con artist will do. A schemer.”

“Angel, give it a rest. It’s about having faith and being obedient!” God said, “like if you tell your kid not to put their hand in the cookie jar, or not to play with hot oven.”

“Yeah, except the parent doesn’t kill their child for that!”

 

“Moses, here are my commandments; Thou shall have no other gods before me.”

“Wow, that sounds narcissistic and petty.” Angel said.

God ignores angel.

“Thou shall not make yourself graven images.”

“Except that people been making countless of graven images anyway.” Angel pointed out.

“Thou shall not take the lord’s name in vain!”

“Another pettiness.” Angel said.

“Remember the sabbath day and keep it holy!”

“Well I guess that means doctors can’t work, police can’t work and farmers can’t work. God, this is nuts.”

God ignores him again.

“Honor thy mother and thy father!”

“But what if the parents were abusive?” Angel asked.

“Did I stutter?” God asked.

“Thou shall not kill!”

“Except for all the times you have killed or commanded people to kill.” Angel pointed out.

“Angel, if it’s done for me, then it’s ok.”

“Very convenient.” Angel said.

“Thou shall not commit adultery.”

“Ok, I can understand that, it’s not nice to cheat on your spouse.”

“Thou shall not steal.”

“What if the kid is starving?”

“Not even!” God said.

“Don’t bear false witness!”

“Yet there are good reasons to lie if it’s to save lives.”

“Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s stuff!”

“So you are against the economy.” Angel said.

 

“Oh God, people had built themselves a Golden calf and were worshipping when you have me made the stone tablets! Now they are slaughtered for you. I broke your tablets.” Moses wailed.

“Hey, relax. We can do over.” God said.

“God, can’t we have some new good laws to set to people? Like, do not pollute the planet, do not discriminate, do not commit pedophilia, take good care of your earth, your family and your neighbors. How about no slavery, no more wars and take care of the sick, the hungry and the poor.” Angel said.

“…No. It doesn’t seem to make people worship me.” God said.

“Why do you need worship? If you want people to see that the bible can be a truly inspired word of God and that God is truly good, then you would set what is right and even lead by example!” Angel said.