bible fun, part 12, David VS Saul!

 David vs Saul

 

The spirit that tormented Saul had come back, while David played the lyre for him.

“Be afraid of the worm in your ear, a music that never stops playing and drives you insane!”

Saul got up, “Grrr…. I am gonna pin David to the wall like a butterfly collection!”

David dodged the bullets… I mean spears. Saul was of course afraid of David, so he removed him from his presence and made him an army commander. And because God is with him, David was successful in his battles. And all of Israel and Judah loved him, he was their leader in battle.

Saul’s daughter Michal loved David.

“David, the king is asking you to marry his daughter, Michal.”

“I am but a poor man from a poor family, spare me from this life of this monstrosity… I mean I am not fit to be king.” David said.

Saul said, “Alright, David. I will have you marry my daughter, I need you to go and collect 100 foreskins from the Philistines.”

“What, 100 foreskins?” David asked.

So David and his men go and slaughtered 200 Philistines and collected their pecker bits.

“This has to be the most disgusting and disturbing thing ever!” Angel said.

“OK, King. I got you 200 foreskins.” David said.

“Splendid. This is truly the stupidest and most nauseating thing I have ever seen.” Saul said.

So David married Michal. Saul saw that God was with him still, and he was afraid.

 

“Jonathan! I want you and your men to kill David!” Saul shouted.

Jonathan went and got David to hide, “My father seeks to kill you. So stay in a secret place and hide yourself. I will speak to him and if I find out anything I will tell you.”

Jonathan then went and spoke to his father, “David had not sinned against you, but has greatly benefited you. He risked his life to kill the Philistine. You were happy about it. Why would you kill David?”

“Well God lives, so he won’t be killed,” Saul said.

“But you just said you wanted him dead,” Jonathan said.

So when everything seemed to be calm, David was brought back to Saul and all was calm. Then the evil spirit tormented him again, “The Star Wars sequels are the best thing ever to exist!”

Then Saul threw the spear at David again. David fled. So Saul sent his men to watch David’s house and kill him in the morning.

Michal spoke, “You must save yourself. Tomorrow you will die!”

So Michal helped him escape. She put an idol in bed and covered it up. Soldiers came in to arrest David. Michal said, “He is very ill. He has the covid.”

Saul was told what she said. He said, “Bring him to me on his bed, so I can kill him.’

So when the men went to get David, they found the idol.

Saul asked Michael, “Why did you let him escape?”

“He said help me escape or I will kill you.”

“Holy shit! Seriously? God, you really need to stop demonizing women! Can’t there be for once a good woman in this story too?” Angel said.

 

Having escaped, David went to Samuel, “Saul is trying to kill me!”

Saul was told that David was in the huts of Ramah.

“So go after him, duh!” He said.

When they got there, a Group of prophets were prophesying with Samuel standing by as their leader. The Spirit of God possessed the soldiers and made them fall into a prophetic frenzy. When Saul was told this, he sent more men. Then the third since they too fell into. Then the third fell as well. So frustrated, Saul showed up, “The hell is David and Samuel?!”

Then Saul fell into a prophetic frenzy.

Angel snickered.

David fled the huts and found Jonathan, “Why is your father so desperate to kill me?”

“It can’t be true! My father would never do anything without telling me.”

“Jonathan, he knows you like me, so he did not want to let you know. Seriously, I’m gonna be killed real soon!”

“Then let us go out into the fields together,” David said and they both ran into the fields.

“This is kinda hot. I’m kinda liking this story.” Angel said.

“Shut it, Angel. You’re not supposed to be liking this!” God said.

Jonathan said, “I’ll go find Father day after tomorrow. If Father means to harm you, may God curse me. I’ll let you know and send you to safety. As long as I live, never stop loving me, not even if God exterminated your enemies off the face of the earth.”

 

Saul was expecting David to show up for dinner. Don’t see why they would think he would after an attempt on his life. So Saul asked where David was.

“David is off to Bethlehem for a sacrifice,” Jonathan said.

“You son of a whore! Do you not think I know your love for him? You are a disgrace and a disgrace to your mother who birthed you! Your kingdom will not be established as long as he lives! Bring him to me!” Saul shouted.

“Why father? What could he have possibly done to deserve this?”

His father threw a spear at his son, who dodged. Angry, Jonathan left the table.

Jonathan went to the fields, prostrating himself before David, bowing to him, and then kissing him. And they wept together until David exceeded.

“Go in peace, for we have sworn to God that God will bond you and me and your descendants and my descendants forever,” David said.

“Ha! Imagine how homophobes will be ignoring this part!” Angel said.

“Oh no, no, they are just friends. Just friends.” God said.

“Riiiiiight,” Angel said.

 

 

Then David went to Ahimelech the priest at Nob. Trembling with fear, Ahimelech asked David, “Why are you alone with nobody with you?”

David lied, “The king has given me orders, but said, ‘No one is to know anything about your mission and your orders.’ I have arranged to meet my troops at another location. So can you give me something? Like five loaves of bread or whatever you have here?”

“Well, what I have is a Holy bread. Provided that you abstain from any sinful lust. You know… stay away from women.’

“Oh that’ll be ok, I am not interested in women anyway,” David said.

The priest gave him the holy bread. Saul’s servant Doeg was there that day. How convenient.

“You don’t seem to have weapons on you.” Ahimelech noticed.

“Oh, it’s because the king’s business was so urgent I didn’t have time to grab them. But surely my troops will spare me a few.” David said.

“The sword of Goliath is wrapped in a cloth behind the Ephod. Take it.”

“How convenient. Give it to me.” David said.

So on that day, David fled from Saul.

David went to King Achish of Gath. Achish’s servant said, “Isn’t this David? One whom the song was that he killed tens of thousands of men?”

David is now afraid of King Achish. So David pretends to be insane and starts banging on the floor and going, “Row, row, row, row, row, row row, row, row…”

“Get rid of this insane man!” Achish said.

So David fled to the caves at Adullam. When his family learned of this, they went there to him.

“How would they have learned about this? If David was trying to hide away, surely his family wouldn’t be able to know.” Angel noticed.

All those who were in trouble, embittered, or in debt gathered to him and David became their leader. There are 400 men with him.

“Am I missing something here?” Angel asked.

Now Saul was at Gibeah under the Tamarisk tree with his spear. He said to his servants, “Listen up, Benjaminites! Is David giving you all fields and vineyards or making you commanders and generals? You all betrayed me! You don’t sympathize with me or tell me that my son conspired against me!”

Doeg said, “I saw him at the priests in Nob. They gave him holy bread and the sword of Goliath.”

So the king came to meet with Ahimelech. Ahimelech said, “Here I am, my lord.”

“Why are you conspiring against me? Why did you give him holy bread and the sword?”

“But isn’t David on your secret mission that you sent him on? Wasn’t he your faithful servant and son-in-law?” Ahimelech asked.

“You will die and every one of your family! Kill them!” Saul shouted.

Doeg went and killed all the priests. He killed 85. He continued to kill all the men in Nob, the home of the priests, including women, children infants and all the animals.

“I killed them all. Every single one of them. Not just the men. But the women and the children too! They were like animals So I slaughtered them like animals! I hate them!” Deog said.

“Angel! Stop using Star Wars reference! And quit speaking through them!” God shouted.

Fortunately, one son of Ahimelech named Abiathar escaped and fled to David, “They killed my father and everybody in the city!”

“I knew Doeg was there who would tell Saul. I am guilty of your father’s family.” David said.

 

The Philistines were attacking and David was informed of this. David asked God, “Should I go kill the Philistines and rescue Keilah?”

“Yes,” God said.

“My men are too afraid to fight the philistines,” David told him.

“Go, I will help you,” God said.

“Why don’t you just do it yourself? Strike them down with bolts of lightning or something?” Angel asked.

So David and his men killed the Philistines and stole their cattle.

David has strong men in his group. The Josheb-Basshebeth, leader of the three. He killed 800 men with his spear in one day. Jashobeam, leader of thirty. He killed 300! Abishai, he killed 300 too! There is just so much carnage and all, the army defeated the Philistines with God delivering them a great victory.

“Ah yes, give God the glory and credit for someone else’s work,” Angel said sarcastically.

 

David said to his men, “Get me some water to drink!”

So they went to slaughter some Philistines and get water from the well. They brought it in a barrel to him. David said, “I’m not drinking this.” And poured it out.

“Really, David?” Angel asked.

Saul took 3,000 select men from all of Israel, and set to find David in the region of rocks and goats.

“I’m gonna take a shit,” Saul said as he went into a cave.

“We’re in luck, David. Now’s your chance to kill Saul. God said, ‘I will put your enemy in your hands and you can do with him as you please.’” One of his men said.

David cuts the edge off of Saul’s robe, while Saul is defecating. He then turned to his men, “God anointed him as king, I cannot kill him. In fact, none of you are to kill him.”

“Seriously? He tried to kill David twice and was trying to find David again to kill him for sure!” Angel said.

When Saul was leaving, David came up to them, “My lord! My king! I cut off the edge of your robe, to show that I have no intention of killing you!”

“God put me in your hands, but you spared me. The kingdom of Israel will be in your hands.” Saul said.

“Seriously?” Angel asked.

“Swear to me, in God’s name, you will not kill my descendants or destroy my name from my father’s family,” Saul asked.

“Of course, my king. I swear to God, they won’t be harmed.”

 

There was a very wealthy man, “oh if I were a wealthy man,” he sang. He owned 3,000 sheep and 1,000 goats. His name is Nabal. His wife is Abigail.

David heard about Nabal and sent his servants to him, “Hi, we neither insulted nor harmed you, so give us some stuff to give to David. You know, protection money.”

“Who is this David? And why should I give up the hard labor I did for some unknown strangers?” Nabal asked.

So they returned to David, telling him what he said.

“I protected this man, not taking anything from him. Now he refuses to repay my kindness?” David asked.

“Geez, David is now becoming a bit of a dick,” Angel said.

“what? He was protecting them!” God said.

“Yeah, but he wants compensation for it! Seriously, protection money is something gangs do.”

“Think of it as taxation. He is going to be king himself.” God argued.

“A taxation for what? Protection, that is what. This isn’t a good look for David.”

“Right men, let us go and kill him and his family for pissing on all I’ve done for him!” David said.

A servant of Nabal told Abigail, “Nabal yelled at the messengers who had done nothing wrong to them. So Abigail loaded the donkey with 200 loaves of bread, 2 wine skins, 5 prepared sheep, 5 bags of roasted grain, 100 bunches of raisins, and 200 figs. She did not tell her husband and went to meet David with the stuff.

“My lord, let this be a gift to the servants of God, for God will surely make you lord over Israel.”

“Had you not come here, no man would have been spared,” David said.

Abigail returned to Nabal and never said anything. Then next morning, Abigail told him, “David was going to kill you, so I gave him a large amount of supplies.”

Then Nabal had a heart attack and was now paralyzed. 10 days later, God killed him.

“Jeez!” Angel said.

“Not literally, shut up! He just died in his sleep.” God said.

David’s servants came to Abigail, “David wants to marry you.”

“Why yes I will marry him!” Abigail said.

And so David took her as a wife and took another as a wife as well. David’s former wife Michal was married to Paltiel.

 

Saul had 3,000 select me and went to find David and his men. David saw where Saul and his general were sleeping.

“Who will go down to Saul’s camp with me?” David asked his men.

Abishai said he would come with him. They approached in the night, and found Saul asleep with his spear stuck in the ground by his head.

“Today God has put your enemy in your hands,” Abishai said to David, “Now let me thrust into Saul… with his spear… stop looking at me like that David.”

“But God anointed him as King, so we mustn’t,” David said.

“Oh come on!” Angel said.

David took the spear and the jug of water instead. God had caused a deep sleep over them.

“Really?” Angel asked.

“Why haven’t you protected your king?! Look where the king’s spear and jug of water are!?” David shouted to the army.

Saul recognized David’s voice, “David?!”  

“Yes, my king! Why are you trying to kill me? What have I even done?!” David asked.

“I’ve sinned. Forgive me, David. I won’t hurt you again, I promised!” Saul said.

“Oh for crying out loud, he didn’t even answer the question! He obviously doesn’t have a clue why he wanted to kill David and now he expected him to just come back after all attempts on David’s life?”

“Well, he did spare Saul where Saul was in his hands,” God said.

“Yeah, twice! For no reason! Why should David trust him?” Angel said.

“Here is the king’s spear. Send one of your servants to get it.” David said.

Saul said, “May you be blessed. You will accomplish great things.”

So David went his way and Saul returned home.

“You would think they were going home together since they reconciled twice,” Angel said.

 

David said to himself, “One of those days, I’ll be destroyed by the hand of Saul. The best thing for me to do is escape to the land of Philistines.”

“Really? The enemy that David had been killing is going to just let him join them?” Angel asked.

David and 600 of his men and their families crossed over to King Achish in Gath. David then settled in. When Saul heard of this, Saul no longer searched for him.

“Didn’t we just reconcile?” Saul wondered.

David spoke to Achish, “If I have your favor, can I have one of your towns to live in?”

“Sure, you can have Zilkag. I’m just going to ignore the fact that you just killed Goliath, slaughtered my men, stole their foreskins like some sick fetish freak, pretended to be insane in my presence, and then killed more of my men.”

The length of time David stayed is a year and 4 months.

David and his men raided the Geshurites, the girzites, and the Amelekites. No men nor women were spared. They took all the cattle and returned to Achish.

“Where did you raid today?” Achish asked.

“Negev of Judah, or Jharmeel or the Kenites.”

 

Achish and Saul mustered up their army to fight each other. Saul the camp of Philistines and was afraid. He called for God, but God did not answer him.

“Find me a necromancer, I need to have Samuel alive again,” Saul asked.

“Isn’t necromancing against your commandments?” Angel asked.

‘Yes,” God said.

“There is this woman who is a necromancer, my lord.” One of his servants said.

Saul disguised himself and two of his men followed him.

“Use your divination to conjure a person I want you to conjure,” Saul said to the necromancer.

“Your God has great hatred against mediums and necromancers. Must you come to me and have me be killed as well?” She asked.

“I can assure you as God lives, you will not be harmed,” Saul said.

So she conjured Samuel, who then said, “Why did you disturb my slumber? I was having a party with my dead friends in the sky.”

“The Philistines are attacking and God has turned away from me. What can I do?” Saul pleaded.

“Did you not remember how you disobeyed God when he told you to kill the Amalekites? God has torn the kingdom from you and gave it to David. Tomorrow, you and your sons will die. The Israel will now go to the Philistines.”

“So you’re handing Israel over to the Philistines?” Angel asked.

“yeah, it’s all Saul’s fault,” God said.

 

Meanwhile, in the Philistine army, “Why are there Hebrews among us?”

Achish said, “David was the servant of King Saul. For years he was faithful to me, so I find no fault with him.”

“he can’t be with us! He killed Goliath, took our foreskins, killed many of us and so much more! We can’t trust him!”

Achish turned to David, ‘I’m sorry. While I liked you and entrusted you, but my men do not and want you gone.”

“What have I done to you, now?” David asked.

Angel facepalms.

Achish, “The leaders of the Philistine army don’t want you here. Just go.”

So David and his men left.

 

So the armies fought, and then the sons of Saul died and Saul died. They cut off his head and hung his body on the wall along with his sons’ bodies.

“This is the Game of Thrones, way before George RR Martin’s time, truly,” Angel said.

 

A messenger from Saul’s camp came to David, “The army fled and many fell dead. Saul and his son Jonathan died.”

“You’re certain?” David asked.

“I was at the mount Gilboa and saw Saul leaning on his spear for support, asking who I am. I told him I was an Amalekite. He told me to kill him because he was in great agony. So I did what he asked of me. So I brought you his armband and his crown.”

“Were you not afraid to reach out and destroy God’s anointed?” David asked, “Men, kill this guy!”

So they did.

“Well then a phrase, ‘don’t shoot the messenger’ is made. Seriously, that wasn’t necessary,” Angel said, “I mean you already abandoned Saul, so it’s not like you had his favor anyway.”

“Your death is your own fault!” David said to the dead messenger.

David later sang a lament for Saul and Jonathan, “Oh how the mighty has fallen, joy to Israel! Spread no news to the daughters of the uncircumcised men, for they shall gloat over the lives of the defeated.  Saul and Jonathan, are lovely in life. I grieve for you, for my love is greater than any woman. Oh, the mighty has fallen.”

 

David asked God, “Should I go up to one of the cities of Judah? Where should I go?”

“Go to Hebron,” God told him.

So David and his men and his wives settled in Hebron. So he was anointed king.

Saul’s army general Abner took Saul’s son Ishbaal to be king of Israel. Where he then reigned for two years.

A civil war erupted and so David’s army and Abner’s army fought. David won and 19 of David’s soldiers were missing but David’s soldiers had killed 360 of Abner’s men.

War continued, but David’s strength was growing and the house of Saul grew weak.

David had sons now, each son from each 6 wives. David reigned as king in Hebron for 7 years.

War continued between David and the house of Saul. Abner had sex with Saul’s concubine.

Ishbaal asked why he did that.

“Had I not been faithful to you? I shouldn’t have to feel guilty over a woman! May God curse me and worse if I do not transfer the kingdom from the house of Saul and establish the throne of David over Israel as well as Judah!”

Ishbaal was too afraid.

 

Abner sent a messenger to David, “Make a covenant with me and I will use my power to cause all Israel to turn to you.”

“Sure, but turn Michal to me when you come back.”

And so they did. Her husband wept behind them as they took her away. Abner told him to go back.

“Leave me so I can go gather all of Israel to you so you can rule as you desire,” Abner said.

When Joab returned, He learned that Abner left. He worried He was a spy. So Joab sent messengers without David knowing to find Abner. Joab has Abner brought to him, “I just want a word.”

So Joab and his brother Abishai killed Abner because he killed their brother Asahael during the battle at Gibeon.

When David heard of this, “I and my kingdom are innocent before God for the blood of Abner. May Joab’s family suffer. May God repay the evil doer.”

Ishbaal heard about this, so he was despondent. He was resting and then was killed. Recab and Baanah took his head and took it to David, “Look! We took the head of your enemy!”

“When I was told Saul died, I killed him too as a reward. So your reward will be the same.”