Bible fun, part 3 flood and weird stories

 And so humankind became abundant on earth. And daughters were born to them.

“wow, got bored just making sons, huh? Finally making daughters?” Angel said.

“Shut the hell up, already.” God said.

Sons saw that women are good, so they took them for themselves.

“My spirit will not remain in humankind forever since they are flesh. Their time will be 120 years.”

“What are you talking about? You’re gonna leave humanity to their own device?” Angel asked.

“It’s been so many years. But I will still stick around for a little while.”

And there are giants in those days.

“Giants? Giants? How can there be giants when there was no record of them in the future? Also, how did we get giants here?” Angel asked.

“Oh, it’s a metaphor. They’re not giants like you see in those movies and such, but like those who are just really, really tall. Like… Andre the giant.”

“Fine. Fair enough, I guess.”

Humankind were all just buggering each other, which is somehow a wrongdoing, which they’re doing all the time.

“I regret making humans. This pains me.”

“Why?” Angel asked.

“They’re all wicked, just look at them buggering their eyeballs out. It’s obscene.”

“You created them to be this way. Otherwise, you could have made them not behave this way.”

“Well true, but they won’t have freewill.”

“No, it won’t affect their freewill. That’s just an excuse to not do anything.”

“I’m going to wipe out all of humanity, including the animals and plant life! I regret making them!”

“Wait, God, what are you doing? You want to wipe out everything? Just because humans behave the way you designed them to be?”

“Yes.” God said.

“Why the animals and plant life?”

“Because they’re tainted with humanity.”

“That’s silly. Come on, don’t wipe them out.”

“Noah and his family will be the exception. I’ll spare them instead.” God said.

“Why Noah and his family?” Angel asked.

“Because they’re not buggering and killing everything in sight.” God said.

“God, I find it odd how Noah and his family are not wicked and yet virtually every single human somehow is. It’s like you want people to believe that there’s not any other humanity that is good. I don’t buy it and I don’t think that every human is so wicked but just a sick excuse to kill people.”

God ignored him and appeared before Noah, “Noah. I’m gonna flood the earth. Everything will die. I will send rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

“God, no amount of rain will flood the entire earth for 40 days. Humanity had records of rain that occurred for months and not ever had it flooded the world. Sure there are floods, but in order for there to be so many floods that you cover the whole earth, you would have to already encompassed the entire earth’s atmosphere with water. God, how exactly are you going to spare Noah’s family too?”

“Noah, make an Ark of Gopher wood. You, your sons, your wife and your son’s wives will go on it. You need to make it 450 feet long and 75 feet wide. 45 feet high and make a roof extending to 18 inches above the sides. Put a door in the side. And then you will bring two of every animal, male and female to keep alive with you.”

“Wait God, there are millions upon millions of animals worldwide. There will be no possible way for him to get them all on the boat. Not to mention that your boat will be too tiny to contain them all! You would need a huge ship that is bigger than few countries, which would take several generations to build I’m sure. Not to mention that you’re building only wood? You’re going to have the animals on the ark, which will go several tens of thousands of feet high. That will freeze everybody onboard dead and the artic animals will just suffocate. The water will kill most of aquatic life too. Also, how exactly will you get all the animals to behave? Much less feed the animals for the entire trip? Also, what about caring for the poop too? Not even Noah’s family can take care of all of these creatures!”

“Oh, it’s all simple. I got just a thing to solve all those problems.”

“Oh really, what is it?” Angel asked.

“Magic.” God said.

“Magic? Magic? Magic? Just avada kedavra the humans, if you want to use magic! You don’t need to flood the damn world to do it!” Angel yelled.

“I’m flooding the damn world, ok?” God said.

“Also, this seems strangely a lot like the story of Gilgamesh. Hundreds of years before this supposed flood of yours is to occur. Which by the way was also similar to other stories before too!”

“So what’s your point?” God said.

“Your little flood thing is not original and humans long after this will see how nonsensical this all makes!”

“Well, since there’s no such thing as originality, who the hell cares? It’s going to be flooded, damn it!” God said.

And so now the earth is flooded. So we’re just gonna magically resolve any and all problems the angel pointed out and just pretend it’s all going realistically and perfectly.

After 150 days the water dominated the earth. God magically wills the water away, and the ark is in the mountains.

“Right, everybody off the ark. Now you can go and multiply! Oh, Noah? I regret flooding the earth. You know, I’m going to give you this gay rainbow as a promise to never flood the earth.” God said.

“You… regret killing all of humans… when you originally said you regretted creating them!” Angel said angrily.

“Calm down, I’m sorry ok? It won’t happen again!”

“But God, now that the animals have just two alive, and Noah’s family are the only ones left, that means they will have to populate through incest, which means that the genetics will mutate and they will become infertile and die anyway.”

“Simple, I’ll just magically resolve all genetic defects. You’re welcome.” God said.

“Why do I even bother?”

“Oh, and offer me sacrifices of animals.” God told Noah.

“What?! God, they’re still only two of each!”

“… Mag…”

“I GIVE UP!” Angel said.

 

 

Ham was the father of Canaan. Noah planted a vineyard. He got drunk and passed out. He was uncovered in his tent. Ham saw his father’s nakedness.

“Eeww, Daddy’s naked!” He said to his brothers.

“Eeww. Let’s cover him up.” One of his brother said.

Noah later woke up, “What has my youngest son done to me?”

“Excuse me? All he did was see his dumb drunk ass father naked and told his brothers so they can cover him up!” Angel said.

“Cursed is Canaan! A servile slave he will be to his brothers!” Noah yelled, “Blessed be God, God of Shem, and Canaan will be Shem’s slave! God will enlarge Japheth and he will dwell in the tents of shem, and let canaan be Jephath’s slave.”

“What the hell is wrong with Noah? God, maybe you shouldn’t have spared Noah, he’s a moron and an asshole!”

“Language!” God said.

Noah lived to be 950, then died.

“Seriously?” Angel asked.

 

 

 

 

The tower of Babel

 

Now all of earth had one language and spoke the same dialect. They found a valley in the land of Shinar.

“let us build a city and a tower so high in the sky. Let’s make a name for ourselves, lest we be scattered across the face of the earth.” One of the people said.

“Oh no, I don’t like this. They’re all building a tower and they all speak the same language.” God said.

“So?” angel said.

“Let us go down and confuse their language.” God said.

“But why?”

“If they can’t understand each other, they won’t be able to build their tower.”

“God, that makes no sense. Language is organic, not some magic spell put on them. You can’t just change language like that. It evolves overtime and they will still be able to learn to communicate and work together. We saw the future, we know that they will build skyscrapers, fly planes above clouds and send satellites in space!”

“Damn it, Angel, will you give it a rest? How are we supposed to convince people that I made there be all kinds of languages?”

“Simple, people scattered throughout the world, learned to invent their own language and gradually it evolved overtime. Humans always invent languages, even ones that are just fun. Kids do it,”

“Well, you got a point, but I like this idea anyway.” God said.

 

 

 

 

 

And so there are more genealogy of Noah’s family, which we won’t bother with. More of these people lived for hundreds of years, despite actual short life expectancy.

There is Abram, which God spoke to him, “Leave your father’s family for a land that I will show you. I will make you into a large nation. I will bless you and make you famous. Anyone who blesses you, I will bless. Anyone who mocks you, I will curse!”

“Mmh, ok.” Abram said.

So he took his wife and nephew lot with him and all the people the had acquired. They came to Canaan. Canaanites were living there.

God appeared to him again, “I will give this land to your offspring.”

A land where there’s famine.

“Nice god, send the family to a place of famine,” Angel said.

“Shut up.” God said.

So the family went off to Egypt.

“Sweetie, you’re a lovely wife of mine. So when people ask, you’re my sister. If they knew you were my wife, they’ll kill me.”

“Why in the hell would they do that? And who said they will do that?”

All of the Egyptians seem to be entranced by the beauty of his wife. Which is very unrealistic. The pharaoh was told she was his sister. So he decided to have sex with her and give Abram cattle and slaves.

Then Pharoah and his family were cursed with a plague.

“You told me she was your sister, why did you lie? Go take your wife and get the hell out of my sight! But do take all the possessions I gave you anyway because whatever!” Pharaoh asked.

Abram says to God, “You have given me no offspring, so my slave will be my heir!”

“Why would he expect you to give him an offspring? Doesn’t he understand how sex works?” Angel asked.

“You can’t have him as your heir, your own flesh and blood has to be your heir!” God told him, “Look up and count the stars if you can. So shall your offspring be.”

“How can he count the stars which are like millions of them. And how does that give him an offspring?” Angel asked.

“I’m got you out of Ur to give you toe land covering the river of Egypt to the lands of all other tribes.”

“God, how can I know I will possess it?”

“Bring me a 3 year old cow, a 3 year old ram, a turtle dove and a young pigeon.” God said.

“What? Now wait a minute! First, how would he know the age of the animals and why would they need to be three years old and not only that, why the hell would you need all those animals for?” Angel asked.

So Abram got the animals God asked and slaughtered them except for the birds.

Abram then fell into deep sleep.

“Ah yes, nothing like slaughtering animals that it just makes you all sleepy,” Said Angel.

God appeared before him in his nightmare, “Your descendants will all be enslaved and oppressed for 400 years.”

“WHAT! God, what are you doing? Why would you do that to him and his family? You’re enslaving and oppressing his descendants and for what? That’s like punishing your child for nothing. That is wrong!” Angel said.

“Relax!” God said, “Abram, I will punish the nation for doing that of course. You will be in peace and happy.”

“That makes no sense! Why punish a nation that you allow to be enslaved and oppressed? That’ll be like I’m letting bullies in schoolyard to torment you for years and then I will punish the bully.”

 

Abram’s wife borne him no children, but she had an Egyptian slave-girl named Hagar. “God has prevented me from having children. So stick your one-eyed snake into my slave girl.”

“Oh no, we’re going the whole, ‘I’m barren, here’s my slave to impregnate for me.’ And what is with all this, ‘God made me barren?’” Angel said.

After Abram did as she asked him to do, Hagar is pregnant. Abram’s wife Sarai hates her.

“This wrong is done to me is your fault! I gave you my slave girl and now she regards me with contempt. May God judge you and me!” Sarai said.

“WHAT! What the hell is wrong with her? And how is this his fault?” Angel said.

“Do what you want with your slave-girl. Leave me the hell out of this!”

And so Sarai chased Hagar away.

“Wow, she is so bad and toxic,” Angel said, “Hey, Hagar. Where are you going?”

“I ran away because my owner was so mean to me and chased me away.”

“Angel, tell her to go back to her and humble herself to her.” God said.

“WHAT! God, can’t she go somewhere else where she will be treated better? How is going back to her going to be any better? No one should return to their abuser.” Angel said.

“NOW!” God shouted.

“Fine!” Angel said, “Listen, Hagar, I pity you. I really do. But unfortunately you need to return to Hagar and humble yourself to her. I will greatly multiply your descendants such that they cannot be counted. You shall bear a son and call him Ishamel. He will be an ass, I mean a wild donkey. He will live in hostility to all his brothers… It makes no sense, uh never mind me. Just go back.”

 

God appeared before Abram, “You know, I’m renaming you Abraham. You will be the ancestor of many nations. I will establish a pact with you and your descendants. The whole land of Canaan where you are foreign to it, I will give it to you and your descendants and I will be God to them.”

“Aren’t you already everybody’s God? Why would you need to have a pact with them or give them the lands others inhabit? Can’t you just have them a land that is not already inhabited by others?” Angel asked.

“But there are people worshipping other Gods.” God said.

“So?” Angel asked.

“But that makes me so jealous. I want to be their God, not all those other Gods’.” God said.

Then God talked to Abraham, “Now you must cut off your foreskin and every 8 day old baby boys, including slaves, must be circumcised!”

“Eeww! God, why are you obsessed with foreskins?”

“If they have not been circumcised, they will be cut off from me!” God said.

“This is stupid God, you gave them foreskin and you want them to mutilate their genitals to have a stupid pact with you? Why? This makes no sense!” Angel said.

“Your wife Sarai will now be Sarah and will borne you a son Isaac.” God told Abraham.

 

Abraham sat by his tent on a scorching hot day, he saw three men nearby.

“Gentlemen! Allow me to bring you water, some bread and allow me to have your feet washed.” Abraham said to them.

“Oh, why certainly.” The told him.

He went to his wife, “Hurry honey, go make some bread for our guests.” Then he ran to get a good tender calf to have it prepared. Then he took some curd and milk and the calf and prepared and set them before his guests. He stood nearby and the three men asked, “Where’s your wife?”

“Surely I will return to you at this time next year and your wife Sarah will have a son.” God said.

Sarah was laughing when she heard this, “We’re so damn old! Why is everybody just waiting around for hundred years or more just to have kids?! This makes no damn sense!”

“Why did your wife laugh at me?” God asked Abraham.

“Oh I didn’t laugh.” She said.

“Uh, yeah you did.”

“God, why are you being so easily offended by her laughing? If anything, she is right, they’re old and basically none of this makes sense.” Angel said.

“But I’m God.” He said.

 

“Hmm… Sodom is full of sin. Should I hide from Abraham from what I’m about to do?” God asked.

“My God, will you destroy the righteous from the wicked? What if there’s fifty righteous men?”

“Well ok, if there are 50 righteous men…”

“what about 30?”

“Well if you have 30 righteous men then…’

“What about ten?”

“Oh for crying out loud! Fine! 10 righteous men…”

“what if there’s just one good righteous man?”

“Oh for crying out loud, I’m burning Sodom to the ground!”