bible fun, part 4, Sodom and Gomorrah, Ishmael

 Sodom and Gomorrah

 

The two angels came to Sodom in the evening. Lot was sitting at the city gate.

“My lords, please turn aside to your servant’s house. Wash your feet and spend the night, and then wake up and go your way.” Said Lot.

“That’s ok, we’ll just spend the night in the square.” One of the angel said.

“No, no, I insist. There’s a lot of sin going on.” Lot said.

“And what sins are there in the city?” Angel said to God.

“Gluttony, greed and lust.” God said.

“You know, your followers are going to think this was all about homosexuality.” Angel said.

“Well homosexuality is a sin, though this isn’t the reason why.” God said.

“Well God, I don’t know why you think Lot is righteous.”

“Look, he’s taken in two of the guests. No one else did.” God said.

“No one else? Lot was practically at the gate, like he was waiting for this opportunity. Besides, who is to say that someone else wouldn’t be so kind to host some angels?”

“Well you heard Abraham, the city is filled with wickedness!”

“Which you tried to drown everyone for that reason and yet it didn’t solve your problem.”

“Yeah well, I’m still going to destroy the city.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Angel said.

Many men outside the house came to Lot, “Lot, bring out those two men in your house! So we can stick our tickle boner in their sweet angelic chocolate starfish!”

“people, people! Do not do such wicked act. Here, I have two daughters, who are to be wed to my future brother in laws. Stick your flesh rockets in their virginal soft taco!”

“God, what the hell? This is the righteous man? He just offered up his daughters to be violated!” Angel said.

“It’s cultural thing.” God said.

“Oh my God.” Angel said.

“Careful with my name now.” God said.

“virginal daughters? Who the hell do you think you are? Hogging all those angelic ass cheeks?!” they said and they came to rip the door open. The angels blinded them and the Lot’s family ran.

“I can’t see! I’m blind! Now how can I please my willie the one eye wiener? Hey, I felt something, come here you!”

“Dude, that’s my ear. Oh yeah, that’s the stuff!”

“Lot, is there anyone else that you think should be rescued? God is going to destroy the city!”

“I got two brother in laws. I’ll go get them. Lot said and he went to the brother in laws, “Quickly guys, God’s gonna destroy the city because of sin!”

The brother in laws just laughed.

“Oh, to hell with you guys.”

“Imagine how pissed they would have been if they knew their father in law offered up his daughters to be violated.” Angel said.

“Yeah.” God said.

“Quickly, get out of the city. Don’t look back!”

They left to the mountains, Lot’s wife turned around and then got turned into a pillar of salt.

“God, why did you do that?” Angel asked.

“She was told not to look back!” God said.

“She looked back because that was their home and now everyone she knew and loved, aside from her daughters, are going to die!” Angel said.

“True, but … well she shouldn’t have looked!”

And So Lot and his two daughters stayed in the mountain. Whereas there’s a perfectly good town not too far. But they chose not to go.

“You know, despite the fact that daddy just tried to have us violated by these raging testosterone induced horndogs, let’s get pregnant with daddy!” one sister said.

“Totally, because that’s like the only way for us to have children. It’s not like there’s ever such cities anywhere else where we could find a husband. Despite the fact that our soon to be husbands are all dead.”

“You know, it would be difficult to get this old man erection while he’s so old and drunk. But considering that whoever is writing this bible has no clue how things work, let’s ignore that fact. Let’s also ignore the possibility we may not be ovulating or that we would be knocked up on the first try. And hey, incest is so cool nowadays. Thanks, this is more horrifying than game of thrones!”

“Umm… God? Seriously? Can’t you just tell them to go to town and get these two horny ladies some new husband and not try to rape their own father?” Angel said.

“… no.” God said.

And so two incest babies are born, Moab, ancestor of Moabites and Ben-ammi, ancestor of ammonites.

“Cersei ain’t got shit on these ladies.” Angel said.

 

If we were to remember that Abraham didn’t just have one son, he had another who is Ishmael, from the slave girl we totally forgotten about. Hagar’s son Ishmael is playing with his half-brother Isaac. Sarah is jealous and angry. She turned to Abraham, “Send the slave woman and her son away! They will not have the inheritance your son will have!”

“What a heartless woman!” Angel said.

“Abraham, do what she said.” God said.

Abraham sent her and her son away. They wandered into the desert.

“God, you first had her go back, which did not make things better. In fact, it made things worse. Now they will die in the desert all because of her jealousy and greed!” Angel said.

She then threw her son into the bushes. She then went far away and cried, “I will not watch my son die!”

“You just threw him away and then ran away.” Angel said, “Look Hagar, go back to him. He needs you, you’re all he’s got.”

God opened her eyes and she saw a well. She filled the water skin and gave it to her son.

God was with the boy as he grew up and he became the hunter. Hagar got him a wife from Egypt.