bible fun, Joshua part 9

 Joshua

 

“Joshua, Moses had passed on in … natural circumstances. You’re now in charge. You will dispose of the nations occupying the home. I swore to their ancestors I will give it to them.” God said.

“God, what are you doing?”

“I’m getting my people to take the lands from the other tribes and all. “

 

“Ok, God gave me instructions to take over Jericho, I want you two to go as spies into Jericho.” Jacob told to two guys.

They went and found a prostitute named Rahab. They spend the night with her there.

“Umm… These guys were instructed to spy, not to have fun with prostitutes.” Angel said.

“Pssh, so what? Is that your new ‘law’ now, Angel? No fun with prostitutes?” God mocked.

“Oh real mature. You’re the one who has serious hang ups about sex, not me!” Angel said.

 

The king of Jericho is told, “Some isrealite mean have come here tonight to spy on the land.”

“How did they know they were spies?” Angel asked.

“Meh, I don’t know.”

“An all knowing God doesn’t know.” Angel said.

“No I mean, I know, I mean … shut up!”

 

“Yo, bring out those two men in your house, so we can know them.” The guard said.

“God?” Angel asked, annoyed.

“Relax, it’s not the same with Sodom.” God said.

“We know they are spies!” the other guard said.

“Oh my, they were spies? I did know, but they left. Hurry and you may catch them.” She said.

“You would think Lot would have said the same.” Angel said.

“Shut up!” God said.

She had the spies up on the roof under stalks of flax.

“Our people are terrified of you. We have heard what you did to Sihon and Og, the Amorite kings who you put under the curse of destruction. Please swear to me by God that since I have been kind to you, you will spare the lives of my family.”

“When we invade the land, gather your family inside your house and tie this Scarlet cord in the window. If anyone goes outside your house and into the street, their death will be your fault. If you make known what we are doing, we shall be released from this oath you are making us swear.”

“So be it.” Rabah said.

 

“all the country’s inhabitants are absolutely terrified of us.” The spy said to Joshua.

“well duh, we laid waste to so many tribes and all. We’re practically conquerors.” Joshua said.

“Damn it Angel, stop making Joshua say that!” God said.

“Take the ark of the covenant, go across the Jordan river. The waters will stop flowing.” Joshua said.

“Which will cause a massive flood.” Angel said, “They could have at the very least build a bridge or have a boat. Or God, you can have them walk on water!”

“Whatever.” God said, “Oh Joshua, circumcise your Israelites a second time.”

“Why are you so obsessed with foreskins?” Angel asked.

“For the convent with me!”

“It’s really not necessary and very perverted.”

 

Joshua sent 3 thousand men to Ai, but they fled in defeat as 36 were killed by the men of Ai.

“Oh god, why did we lost to the Ai?” Joshua asked.

“seriously? You fled from a fight when few died? Wimp! Not that I support this war, but seriously!” angel said.

“Someone has taken stuff that was placed under the curse of destruction. That is why I made you lose!” God said, “The man who took my stuff will be burnt to death, along with everyone of his family, his cattle and everything else of his!”

“Seriously? Can’t you just forgive the guy and let them win their war then?”

“No!” God said.

 

And so on, more and more kingdoms are massacred, five kings executed, 7 kingdoms massacred, 22 kingdoms also massacred. Massacre of the giants. Now the lands are divided up for the Israelites. Then Joshua passed on.

 

“Wow, not even George RR martin could write this much bloodshed and all like you did.”

“That’s how it does in life, humans wage war and whatnot!”

“But God, you just killed so many people, all in your name and for what? To give Israelites a land that people had been occupying before? This is insane God, I really hope this could stop.” Angel said.