bible fun, numbers part 7

 Numbers

 

“Oh we are starving! If only we have meat to eat! Think of the fish we used to eat freely in Egypt. The cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions and the garlic. But there’s nothing but this manna to eat!”

“Oh very well, I shall give you guys meat to eat.” God said.

“Wow, that’s really nice of you God.” Angel said.

“you will not eat it for 1 day, ot 2, or 5, or ten, or 20, but a whole month. Until it comes out of your nostrils and sickens you!”

Then God gives them meat, which they cannot chew and then God strikes them with the plague.

“What the hell, God?” Angel said.

“They were ungrateful! After all that I did for them!” God said.

“How are they being ungrateful? They can’t eat bread alone and them asking for meat is not being ungrateful. You want ungratefulness? How about when someone who was given everything but chose to do nothing but sit around and act entitled to everything, never working or contributing anything but take and criticize them. None of these people did anything like that and you struck them dead!” Angel said angrily.

 

Later after all the crazy wacky adventure Moses and surviving people had, they met giants and whatnot, then again, the Israelites complained about no food or water.

“Again? Fine, I’ll give them something.” God said.

“What?” Angel asked.

“Venomous snakes!” God laughed and the snakes attacked them.

People fled and freaked as snakes attacked. One guy said, “I’ve have had it with these mother**king snakes in this mother**king desert!”

 

There have been several massacre of many tribes. Balak, king of Moab saw what the Israelites did to amorites. He was afraid of them.

“Send balaam for me!” He said.

“Balaam, the king wants you to come curse the isrealites.” The king’s men said.

“Hmm… I shall ask the God what to do.” Balaam said.

“Oh? No, don’t go.” God told Balaam.

“Sorry, but Daddy said I can’t go out to play with you people anymore.”

“Angel, don’t alter that!” God shouted when Angel had altered the words they said.

“Well that’s what it sounds like!” Angel said in his defense.

“But please, good king needs you to curse them!”

“Ok, go with them.” God told Balaam.

So Balaam took his donkey to go out.

“Unbelievable! I can’t believe he’s actually going? Angel, you go and stop him from leaving!”

“But God, you just told him to go! Why do you suddenly change your mind?” Angel asked.

“Just do it!”

Angel sighed and then went down with a huge buster sword.

“Really, Angel? A final fantasy 7 Cloud Strife sword?” God asked.

“Yes,” Angel said.

The donkey does not move further.

“Gosh darn it all to heck, you rotten donkey!” he bonks the donkey on the head. The donkey moved, but stopped again because of angel with the sword. “Do you not understand move it?” Then bonks the donkey on the head again. The donkey moves, but stops again. “Confound it, you stupid donkey!” and hits him on the head. Then the donkey talked, “Ow, you jackass, what did I ever do to you?”

“You made a fool of me!”

“You’re not surprised that I talked?” Donkey asked.

“Surprisingly, no.” Balaam said.

“Balaam. I am telling you not to go.” God said.

“Ok, why didn’t God say so in the first place?” Balaam turns around.

“Oh just go on ahead anyway!” God said.

“God, stop that. You’re making us all dizzy! None of this makes sense!” Angel said.

 

“Moses. Take a look at the land out there. That will be the home for the isrealites.” God said.

“Oh wow, I will finally be able to rest.” Moses said.

“No. You’re gonna die. You will not be there.” God said.

“But.. but… I am healthy and well.” Moses complained.

Then God kills moses.