bible fun, part 5, Jacob and Esau, Joseph

Jacob and Esau

 

Isaac grew old and has a wife Rebekah. She birth twins, Esau who is hairy and the older and Jacob who is the younger one.

Esau is the hunter and Jacob tends the gardens.

“I’m detecting a pattern here.” Angel said.

“Oh?” God asked.

“Cain was gardening, Esau is gardening. Jacob and Abel are both hunters.”

“So?” God asked.

“Isaac preferred Esau because of meat and you preferred Abel because of meat. Seriously, you are not a fan of vegetables. Not only that, you seem to enjoy having sibling rivalry.”

“Angel, children are always fighting among themselves.”

“Yes, but God, favoritism is not a good thing and it only stirs resentment and violence. Sibling rivalry may not be uncommon but it doesn’t bode well when parents favor one over the other and cause siblings to kill each other!”

“Relax, they’re not gonna kill each other!”

“Esau, I’m old and blind. I may die any day now. Go fetch me some meat to eat. So I can give you my blessing.”

Rebekah hearing this decided to convince Jacob to pretend to be Esau, offer him his favorite dish so he could bless him.

Jacob pretends to be Esau and offers his father food, “Here I am Father, your beloved Esau, the son you love and not the Jacob you so ignore and seem to be disinterested in anyway. Now hurry and eat so you can bless me!”

“Oh Esau, are you sure you’re really Esau? You sound like Jacob, but your arms do feel furry.”

“Oh yes, totally father.”

And so Jacob left his father alone. Esau showed up, “I’m back father, now eat up so you can offer me your blessing.”

“I’m sorry, but I already thought I blessed you. But it seem your brother deceived me and I blessed him!”

“Oh I’m gonna kill the little mother…”

Rebekah warns Jacob, “Quickly Jacob, you must go to your uncle and stay with him.”

Uncle Laban has two daughters, Leah and Rachel. Jacob wanted Rachel, and Laban promised to give her to him in exchange for working 7 years for him on the fields. So he did and was rewarded a wedding. but Laban tricked Jacob by giving him Leah instead.

“Wait a minute! How can he not know it was not Rachel?” Angel asked.

“Umm… face veil, maybe?” God suggested.

“Well I suppose that would work, but still, why would Laban not give him Rachel?” Angel asked.

“It is not local custom to marry off the younger before the firstborn. Complete the week’s feast and I’ll give her to you.” Leban told Jacob.

“Weird custom, but still, he could have told him instead of deceiving him!” Angel said.

“Well yeah, but Leah deserves some love too.” God said.

“Wow, not everyday you see God have consideration for some people.” Angel said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” God asked angrily.

Obviously after marrying Rachel, he loved her more than Leah.

“So bigamy marriage between a man and two separate women is something ok to you?” Angel asked.

“I guess, but why do you ask?” God asked.

“Because people are going to claim that monogamous marriage between one man and one woman was religious instituted according to the bible which of course isn’t the case for said bigamy, polygamy, marrying rape victims and so on.” Angel said.

“well, yeah but why does that concern you?” God asked.

“Because there’s interfaith marriage, interracial marriage and marriage between two same sex couples.” Angel said.

“marriage between race and gays and interfaith? Oh that is so wrong!” God said.

“Wow. What a bigot.” Angel said.

“Oh, shut up, I’m not serious!” God said.

“You’re not?” Angel said surprised.

“What you said is true, the thing is, my followers don’t carefully read the damn book nor do they even realize the irony of marriage sanctity.” God said.

“And you don’t bother to correct them?” Angel asked.

“Why should i? They’ll figure it out.” God said.

“Yeah, for another several thousands of years. You could have resolved this, but instead the bigotry of your followers will still be ignorant!”

 

God sighed and went to pity Leah, make her able to bear children and
Rachel barren because Jacob doesn’t love Leah but Rachel.

“God, why? Naturally some women would be unfortunately barren or infertile, which doesn’t need your intervention.” Angel said.

“Yeah well, the followers are going to want to think it was my doing.”

“You know, it would have been more interesting if you kept unfit parents from bearing children while good fit parents can have kids.” Angel said.

Leah now has four kids and then stopped having kids.

Rachel cry to Jacob, “Give me children, or I will die!”

“Is it my fault you can’t have kids now?” Jacob argued.

“Here, stick your purple headed yogurt slinger into my servant’s clams, she shall have your kids!”

“Hot diggity dang, it must be my lucky day!” Jacob said and ravishing the servant girl.

“And now God has given me a son!” Rachel said after her servant birth a son.

“Technically it’s the servant’s child, not hers. Funny that, it’s like surrogacy, which a lot of followers seem to have a problem with!” Angel said.

“What the hell are you onto now?” God asked.

“Well in the future, people cried about gay guys having kids through surrogacy. So they think women are being used as incubator and that the child will be ‘stolen’ away from the mother. Which technically is what Rachel did to her servant.”

“Do me a favor and quit talking about the future! I’m trying to watch the baby mamas compete with baby having.” God said.

And again, the servant bore another child, “I’m competing against my sister!” Rachel cried.

“Here Jacob, stick your facehugger thing into my maidservant’s tuna hole!” Leah said.

And so Jacob does give himself onto the new servant.

“Oh my God.” Angel said.

“What did I tell you about using my name?” God said, annoyed.

Leah’s servant has him a son, named Gad. Then a second kid.

“I must truly be blessed and I am a luckiest guy that makes all guys feel jealous!” Jacob said.

“Oh shut up, Jacob.” Angel said.

After exchanging for mandrakes, Jacob boinked Leah and giving him a fifth child, then a sixth child, crowning her as a baby mama champion.

God felt sorry for Rachel, which he allowed her one child finally. And she named him Joesph.

 

Joesph has a colorful coat, probably all rainbow color too. All his brothers he had hated his guts. Joesph had dreams, not like no one ever has dreams themselves. But hey, the brothers hated him.

“There’s the little dreamer, let’s kill him and throw him into the water well.” So they threw him into the water well.

Some Midianite merchants approached. The brothers thought it would be more profitable to sell their brother Joesph into slavery.

They took the coat and covered it in blood to give to the father. The father thought an animal killed him. Not some bandit and not anything else.

An Egyptian Potiphar bought Joesph. He made Joesph in charge of his household and had liked joseph. Potiphar’s wife is lusting after Joesph and tried and tried to get him into bed with her. He refused, so she took his clothes and accused him of raping her.

“Wow, that is so twisted, she was sexually assaulting him and when he refused to sleep with her, she accused him of rape? Sadly it seem to happen a lot.” Angel said.

And so then Potiphar had him arrested.

In Prison, Joseph told two inmates of dreams and interpreted their dreams. They told the pharaoh about their dreams. One is a cupbearer who’ll give him his job back and kill the other who’s a baker. Pharaoh asked Joesph to interpret his dreams, “7 fat healthy cows were eaten by 7 ugly starved cows.”

Joesph said, “It’s famine, duh. For 7 years you’ll have bountiful harvest and then 7 years of famine. So be sure to store up all the food so you will have food for the next 7 years.”

“Oh that’s nice of him,” Angel said.

“I’ll sell it to them.”

“I take it back.” Angel said.

“Make me in charge of this.” Joseph said.

“Ok.” Pharoah said.

The years of Famine began and the starving people from surrounding lands of Egypt came to get food.

Meanwhile in Israel, Jacob said to his sons, “Stop staring at each other like morons and go to Egypt to get us food!”

So they went to Egypt to get the food from the Governor of Egypt, not realizing he was their brother. Joseph decided to test them. He put silver coin in their sacks of food. He sent them on their way and then decided to capture them and said, “Why have you stolen from me when I was kind to give you food? Because my youngest brother… I mean, your youngest brother stole the cup, I’ll keep him as my slave!”

“Oh kind sir, please take me instead. My father Jacob already lost one of his sons, he cannot bare to lose another one, particularly his youngest.”

“Surprise, fools! It is I, your bother Joseph all along! Now go get Father and bring him and all the families and possessions here in Egypt!” Joseph said.

Later, Jacob was then reunited with Joseph, “You’re alive all along?”

“Yes.” Joseph said.