bible fun, Judges part 10

 Judges

 

More massacre at Bezek, Jerusalem massacred, four massacres and a weddinmg.

 

“Red wedding massacre?” Angel asked.

“Stop it.” God said, annoyed.

 

More massacre at Bethel, God sells Israelites into slavery.

“Wow, so you freed your people, only to have them be enslaved again.” Angel said.

“I condone slavery.” God said.

“Damn it, I should have also added in the law, ‘NO SLAVERY!’”

 

With so much killings and war and massacres, George RR Martin is jerking off to it!

 

Jephthah asks God to allow him to win the war, and if he does, then he will sacrifice the first thing that comes out of his house.

“Fine, you can win if you promise to sacrifice someone from your door!

And so God allowed Jephthah to win and he returns home, “Finally I won. So glad to be home at last.

“Daddy!” His daughter comes out of the house singing and tambourines.

Jephthah tore at his clothes, “No! No! Not my daughter! Oh, my sweet little girl. You have grieve me so! I made a promise to God to sacrifice whoever came out of the house, and so I shall not break my promise!”

“Oh no, daddy, allow me to go roam the hills with my friends for 2 months to mourn my virginity.” She said.

“Mourn her virginity? God, please tell me you will not allow him to kill her. Anyone but her! Just be happy with a goat or a bull or something, not her!” Angel pleaded.

“And so you shall.” Jephthah said.

“Interesting how she is going with her friends to… Oh, she is deceptive.”

“What are you talking about?” God said.

“Going to the hills for 2 months with her friends? To “bewail” her virginity?” Angel said.

“That little hussy!” God said.

After two months returned, he killed her and set her on fire.

“What he didn’t know that she lost her virginity. Sadly how God didn’t think that maybe this whole sacrifices is not a good idea.”

“He made a promise and you should never break a promise to God. That’s the difference here, Angel. Abraham and Isaac was more of a test of loyalty.”

“Ok, I get it, God. But seriously, could you have told him that he could bequeath you some animals you like so much and not his daughter?” Angel asked.

“Well he didn’t offer that, so he just went ahead with what he promised. He had a one track mind.” God said.

 

Samson was born. As he grew up, he was given a God-like strength.

“So he’s basically an Israelite’s version of Hercules.” Angel said.

“No, no, Hercules was born a demi-God, Samson was not. So no, it’s not the same.”

“Ok, well there was no such thing as originality anyway.” Angel shrugged.

 

Samson saw a woman among the philistine. He wants her.

He went to his parents, “Mother! Father! There is this hot philistine woman. Get her to be my wife!”

“Samson, can’t you just find a nice girl amongst your relatives? The philistines don’t sexually violate their own genitals like the rest of us do!” His father said.

“Angel, what have I told you about speaking through them?” God said.

“Another law, no circumcision!” Angel said.

“You will get her for me! You will get her for me now!” Samson said.

“Oi Vey, relax! Fine! You can marry the savages.” His father said.

“You’re one ugly cousin bugger!” His mother said.

“Angel!” God said.

“Hey, it’s true!” Angel said.

And Samson crosses the path of a young lion, tears him in half.

“Oh, that poor lion.” Angel said.

“Hi. I like you.” Samson said to the girl he liked.

“Ok.” She said.

Later, Samson goes to the carcass of a lion and finds bees and honey in its guts.

“That is totally realistic.” Angel said sarcastically.

“Mother! Father! I bring you honey!” Samson brought honey to his parents whom enjoyed it.

“Imagine their shock if they were told it was from the carcass of a lion.” Angel said.

 

Samson marries her.

 

“Let me give you a riddle. If you can give me the answer during 7 days of the feast, I will give you 30 new robes!” Samson said.

“Splendid, let us hear this riddle.” One of the philistine said.

“Out of the eater came something sweet, out of the strong came something sweet.” Samson told them.

“How… how is that riddle… it makes no sense.” One of the philistines said.

One of the philistines asked the newly wife, “You will get Samson to tell us the answer to the riddle or we will burn you and your family to death!”

 

“If you really love me, you will tell me answer to the riddle.” Samson’s wife said.

“I hadn’t even told mother and father, so why should I tell you?” He said.

She screamed and cried and wailed for days on until the seventh day.

“OK FINE! It’s the honey that’s inside the dead lion.”

She then went and told the philistines the answer to the riddle. Then they came to Samson, “What is sweeter than honey, what is stronger than a lion, a honey that is in the lion.”

“Oh how did you possibly know? Oh my ever of a wife must have told you!” Samson yelled.

“You owe us 30 robes!” They said.

“Fine.” Samon said.

He then went to kill 30 philistines for their robes and gives it to them, “Here, your stupid robes!”

“Are those blood?” one asked.

“Shut up!” Samson said.

 

Samson left his wife, who then married an attendant of her wedding.

Samson came to her house, “I’m going to my wife’s room for some hot sexy time!”

“Not so fast, I thought you hated her after she told the answer to your riddle. So I had her married off to someone else. Here, you can have my younger daughter.”

“But I wanted her! That does it, I will have my revenge!” Samson said.

“For what? Samson, you left her and we thought you wanted nothing to do with her, so it’s all on you!”

 

Later, Samson captured 300 jackals, tied their tails in two pairs, with a torch and threw them into the fields.

Later after the philistine’s fields were burned, the philistines asked, “who has done this?”

“Who else but Samson?”

“Fine, kill the wife and her family.”

“Pardon me, but shouldn’t it be Samson and his family? She had don’t nothing wrong, she isn’t to blame.”

“Did I stutter? Kill her and her family!”

So they killed the girl and her family. Samson saw this and killed them in retaliation.

He then went into Hiding. The philistines had 1,000 soldiers come to take him prisoner.

 

“Why have you come to fight us?” one of the Israelite asked.

“We have come to take Samson prisoner for the shit he had done to us!” the philistine said.

“Ok, there’s no need for trouble. We’ll go get him.”

The Israelite found Samson, “Samson, the Philistines rule over us. Why are you causing all this trouble?”

“I was just doing to them what they’ve done to me.”

“No, you are not! Samson, you set fire to their fields because you no longer have your wife anymore, the same wife you are mad at for telling the answer to your riddle. Then you killed the philistines for the death of the ex-wife and her family, which I admit was stupid and made no sense, but this wasn’t justified! If anything, you’re just a big baby throwing temper tantrum!”

“Chill out, dickwad.” Samson said.

“Look Samson, we’re going to tie you up and turn you over to them.”

“Oh, will you not try to kill me yourself?”

“We won’t, we promise.”

 

As they turned Samson over, Samson began killing thousand of the philistine soldiers with a jawbone of a donkey.

“God, you have given me great victory. But now I am dying of thirst at the hands of turtleneck cocks.” Samson said.

“Here’s some water.” God said. God burst water out from the ground for him.

“Oh, so he can ask for water, but back then you sent snakes for that same thing!” Angel said.

“Oh shut up, already.” God said.

 

One day, Samson went to Gaza for a prostitute. So he spent a night there with one.

The philistines plotted, “we will stop him at the gates of Gaza.”

Samson rips up the gate and walked out.

“God dam, he’s that strong to lift a gate. There’s no way.”

 

Later, he married a girl Delilah. A philistine comes to her, “You will get Samson to tell you the secret to this powers, so we can subdue him and humiliate him. We will each give you  1,100 silver pieces!”

“God damn, that’s a lot of money! Ok, I’ll do it. We totally need to make women untrustworthy and all, so people can totally treat us as lesser than men!” She said.

“ANGEL! Will you knock that off!?” God told him.

“The way you have women act, it’s just going to make men think women are untrustworthy and worthy of being subjugated.”

She went home to Samson, “Samson. Tell me what made you so strong and how one can subdue you and make you bound and humiliated?”

“Wow, subtle as an elephant trampling in the China shop!” Angel said.

“if I were bopund with 7 fresh bowstrings not yet dried, I’ll be weak as a girly man.” Samson said.

So she bound him in seven ropes and said, “Samson, the philistines are upon you!”

He snapped the ropes.

“You lied to me! Come on, tell me how you can be tied!”

“Ok, if you bound me with new ropes, I’ll be a girly man.”

“Philistines are upon you, samson!”

“Where?” Samson said.

“Damn it, Samson. Why won’t you tell me?”

“Ok, braid my hair into a the loom and tighten it with a pin I’ll then be a girly man!”

So she had his hair braided into the loom and tightened with a pin.

“Philistines! Look out!”

“Ok, where are the philistines?” Samson asked.

“How can you say you love me when you won’t even tell me the truth? 3 times you tricked me. Please tell me, just tell me? Please!” She said.

“What person would just tell you the truth about their strength, then find themselves being tied and have enemies trying to attack, and stay with the same person who betrayed them. Not only that, but then tell them the truth after that?” Angel asked.

“I get it, Angel! He’s a total moron! Give it a rest!”

“My hair has never been cut. If you were to shave my head, I will truly be weak as any other girly man.”

So she had his hair shaved in his sleep. Then the philistines arrive.

“one thing is that his hair would have been long as Rapunzel’s hair. Another was that the philistines still keep on entrusting Delilah to tell them the answer to his power instead of no longer trusting her.” Angel pointed out.

“Fair point, but then we won’t have a good story.” God said.

“This is a terrible story.” Angel said, “Worst episode ever.”

“Samson, philistines are upon you.

And the philistines captured him and gouged out his eyes. They then had him bound and made him a grinder in prison.

“Seems like they let Samson grow his hair back. And I am getting the sense that you’ll give him one last pity strength.” Angel said.

 

“Samson, the philistines call you to entertain them.”

“Very well, I shall give them the biggest performance that will bring the house down.”

And there are two pillars conveniently placed where they can rest Samson by them.

“Put me where I can feel the pillars that support this temple, so I can lean on them.”

So they did.

Thousands of people all piled up on the temple, three thousand man and women to watch Samson entertain.

“God, give me strength once more, for my two eyes! Let me die with the philistines!”

“Because two eyes are the only reason he wants his final revenge.” Angel said.

And so the temples crumbles, killing everyone including Samson.

 

After that, more massacres and rape. The very same thing that led to God drowning the earth for that same reason.

“God, this is sick. Not to mention that this whole thing going on seem to ignore your laws and seem to also be the very thing that led you to drowning the world!” angel said.

“true, but I made a promise not to flood the world again.” God said.