bible fun, Deuteronomy part 8

 Deuteronomy

 

Numbers 15:15, Deuteronomy 4:2

“Listen up! The law is permanent for all future generations! You must add nothing to it, nor subtract anything from it, but keep the commandments of God just as I lay them down for you!”

“Wow, I guess Christians didn’t pick up this memo. They have been dismissing most of the laws of the bible, claiming that because it was the old testament, it doesn’t apply to them. Pretty ironic, don’t you think?”

“Oh pack it in.” God said.

 

“If you accidently killed someone, you deserved to die!”

“Whoa, that is insane.”

“If a man ejaculates, has nocturnal emissions, he must wash his whole body and will be unclean until evening. If man has intercourse with a woman, they both must wash up.”

“Well washing is a good idea, but I disagree with unclean.” Angel said.

“Oh shut up.” God said.

“If a woman is on her period, she will remain in a state of pollution for seven days. Anyone who touches her will be unclean until evening.”

“Wow, totally sexist of them.” Angel said.

“Do not have sex with animals.”

“Well that’s fair enough, I can agree with that.”

“Glad you agree, Angel.”

“For they should be put to death for doing so.”

“Of course,” Angel sighed.

“A woman must not dress like a man or vice versa! Stone them to death!”

“Goodbye transsexuals and transvestites. This law is stupid too.” Angel said.

“Do not dishonor your father by having sex with your mother.”

“Gee, despite all those years of incest throughout your entire creation, you suddenly are against it? What a hypocrite!” Angel said.

“Be quiet.” God said.

“If a woman does not cry for help if being raped, kill her.”

“What the hell? God, no! What if she was unconscious or wasn’t even able to scream for help!? That’s not right!” Angel said.

“In fairness, the rapist does get to die and if she calls for help, she’s fine.” God said.

“But unconsciousness or being prevented from screaming is likely, God. This isn’t right. Notice how it’s always women that are the victim, like men don’t get victimized too? They do and there are women who rape men as well.”

“oh come off it.” God said.

“If a rapist rapes a woman who is not to be married, the rapist should pay 50 silvers of shekels and marry her.”

“WHAT?! God, no!” Angel said.

“If the man marries, he must not join the army.”

“Wow, if that held up in US, no one would have been drafted!” Angel said.

“Draft and join are not the same.” God said.

“Well true, but it wouldn’t make sense to say, ‘since you’re enlisting you are marrying a woman so you can’t join. But you are marrying and yet drafted, so screw you, into Vietnam you go!’”

“If a man marries a woman and she was found not to be a virgin, she must be stoned to death!”

“Wow. That is beyond messed up, God.”

“What, she was unfaithful!” God said.

“What metrics do you claim to say she is a virgin?”

“Well if she bled on her wedding night, she’s fine.”

 

“If two men were fighting and the man’s wife helps him by grabbing onto his assailant’s testicles, he must cut off her wife’s hand. Show her no pity.”

“Seriously? I mean grabbing his balls is not a great idea but cutting off her hands?” Angel said.

“If men fought, and struck another with stone or fist, but the injured isn’t dead and recovers, the one who hurt him should compensate and care for him.”

“Well, I can kind of agree with that,” Angel said.

“If men brawled and hurt a pregnant woman, and she suffers miscarriage but no further harm is done, the person responsible for pay compensation.”

“Huh, I guess I can agree with that too.” Angel said.

“If further harm was done, then kill the man who killed her.”

“Ok.” Angel said.

“Glad you can agree.” God said.

“Yeah but cutting off the hand for helping her husband isn’t the answer.”

 

“Do not have sex with men as you would with women, for it’s an abomination and should be put to death.”

“And you lost me. No. There is no reason gay people should be killed for being gay!”

“You heard them, they think it’s an abomination, that I hate gays.”

“And do you?” Angel asked.

“As much as I hate the straights.” God said.

“Ummm… what do you mean?” Angel asked.

“Think of all the things I said about having sex with other women. Not all of it was ok either.” God said.

“So you’re basically against sex in general. Which you basically created for the very purpose.”

“well it’s for procreation, Angel.”

“Well there are people who chose not to have children and there are infertile people who will have sex, but you say nothing of the sort.”

“So you think people should just have sex anyway?” God asked.

“As long as they’re adults and consenting to sex, yes. Even if it’s two men or two women.” Angel said.

 

 

“If you go to war, kill all male population, and if you see a beautiful virgin, you can take her as a wife. If you’re not pleased with her, you will let her go.”

“If you suspect your wife is cheating on you, have her drink the potion that will see if she is unfaithful, if she is unfaithful then she will have an abortion.”

 

“When you purchase a Hebrew slave, his service will last 6 years. On seventh year, he will leave a free man. If he married and have kids, then the kids and the wife belongs to the master. If he does not want to leave because he loves you, drive an awl through his ear and into the door. He will be your servant forever.”

“No. No. No.” Angel said.

“If the father sells his daughter, she will not leave as the male slaves do. If she does not please her master who intended her for himself, he must let her be bought back.”

 

“Kill your kids if they disobey you.”

“Do not suffer the witch to live!”

“Do not eat shellfish or pork!”

“Do not cook a baby goat in its mother’s milk!”

 

“Forget this, I’m out of here!” Angel said.

“What’s the problem?” God asked.

“All those laws. It’s the stupidest stuff I ever heard! Seriously, laws should make more sense and none of this does!”

“Ok Angel, so let’s say if you were to put laws in yourself, what would you say?”

 

“Well mine would be shorter and be more rational. Like do not assault, do not rape anyone and this goes for male rapists as well as female rapists. And listen and support the victims whether they’re male or female, do not commit pedophilia, bestiality, or incest. Do be humble, show humility and be compassionate to your neighbor, your family and even yourself. For your land, take great care of it don’t pollute it or mistreat it. No more war or plunder, and if neighboring tribes wish to go to war with you and take plunder, then defend your land. Husband must never abuse his wife but treat her as equal to him, same for the wife, do not abuse him, but treat him equal too. If your kids misbehave, you can show tough love by not giving into their bad behavior but by kicking them out, but do not hurt or kill them. If you have some stranger who requires food, shelter or medicine, provide them some, but do take care not to open yourself to be taking advantage of or be harmed if they were to be deceitful.”