bible fun, part 16, Daniel and Jonah

 Daniel and Jonah

 

Daniel 1:1 2 kings 25:8-11

 

(This one I will add two of the stories about Daniel and about Jonah in the whale. The reason for this is because both stories are extremely short)

 

The lord caused Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon to destroy Jerusalem. Many of the Israelites were deported to Babylon.

The King chose few who were handsome, wise, of noble birth, and without defect and had them learn the language and literature of the Babylonians. This included Daniel, Shadrach, Meschach and Abenego.

King Nebuchadnezzar created a 90 foot tall golden statue, and ordered that anyone who does not worship the statue must immediately be thrown into the blazing furnace. At this time, some Chaldeans came forward to accuse the jews of not worshipping the statue. But Shadrach, Meshach and Abenego would only worship their own God. They believed he would rescue them from the blazing furnace.

“Ah yes, of course God, would, he’s totally a good God.” Angel said sarcastically.

“What? Of course I would! But they disobeyed me and deserved to be punished!” God said.

“Oh, that’s right, because God is a jealous God, getting all pissed at Solomon for worshipping other Gods.” Angel said.

This filled Nebuchadnezzar with rage, and he ordered the furnace to be made 7 times hotter than usual. He had Shadrach, Mesach and Abenego tied up and thrown into the blazing furnace. So they were thrown into the furnace. And the blazing Fire was so great, the soldiers who threw them into the furnace were killed by the flames.

Nebuchadnezzar was confused. It appeared that there were 4 figures in the midst of the flames, and no harm was coming to them. The fourth figure was like that of a God.

“See? Told you I would rescue them.” God said.

“Pity how you didn’t save the millions from the dictator in the 1930’s, know what I mean?” Angel said.

The king ordered them to come out and Nebuchadnezzar said, “Anyone who blasphemes the God of Shadrach, Mesach and Abenego will be dismembered. No other God can rescue like this!”

“Oh, really realistic.” Angel said sarcastically.

 

One day the king woke from a frightening dream. He saw a tall tree whose branches were full of birds while wild animals lived below. An angel appeared and said, “Chop down this tree and let the animals scatter.”

None of the king’s magicians, astrologers, diviners, or wise men could interpret the dream.

“Huh, sounds the same thing with Joesph’s Pharoah. Also, exactly why does one think dreams needed to be interpreted and what was it that the others ‘interpretation’ failed to make sense to him? Besides, dreams are just dreams and everybody dreams.” Angel said.

So the king Summoned Daniel his master magician. Daniel was alarmed by the dream as he pondered it.

“You’re powerful like the tree. For a period of time, you would be driven out of society to  live with animals. You will then be restored and realize God rules all. When you stop your sins and show mercy to the poor,” Daniel told him.

A year later, the king was walking along the roof of his palace and said, “By my own strength, I’ve build the city of Babylon as a royal residence for my majestic glory. At that very moment, nebuchadnezzar was driven from society. His hair grew long as an eagle’s feather, his fingernails become like bird claws, and he ate grass like Oxen. After allotted time, his sanity returned to him and he was reinstated as king, becoming more powerful than ever. He praised and exalted the king of heaven whose deeds are righteous and whose ways are just.

“This makes no sense and how is it that all this time was passed where he just wondered about being powerful, he was somehow chased out and then reinstated? How does this make any sense?” Angel asked.

Later, When Nebuchadnezzar’s son Belshazzar was king of Babylon, he threw great feasts for all his nobles. They drank from vessels that had been taken from the temple of Jerusalem as they praised their own Gods.

Suddenly a human hand appeared and wrote on the wall. The king turned white and his knees knocked together in fear. Belshazzar summoned astrologers, wise men and diviners but none can interpret the writing. They were all terrified.

“A severed hand writing on the wall? Why? How? If you’re telling me you did this, God, then why not just appear and tell them instead of being weird and spooky?” Angel said.

The Queen summoned Daniel who, having the spirit of the gods, had helped belshazzar’s father with his insight, discernment and extraordinary wisdom.

“It said, ‘your days are numbered. You are weighed on the balance and found wanting.’” Daniel told him. That very night, Belshazzar was killed.

Darius became the next king. He appointed many regional governors to help him rule the kingdom. Because he was the most skilled, he put Daniel over all the governors. Seeing his elevated status, the governors began to plot against him. They convinced the king to enact a law such that anyone found praying to a God or human other than the king must be thrown into the den of lions.

3 times a day, Daniel would kneel, face forward Jerusalem and pray to his God as he had always done. When the king heard about this, he was greatly distressed. So Daniel was thrown into the lion’s den.

Back at his palace, Arius ate no food and he was unable to sleep. At dawn, the king called out at the Lion’s den, “Daniel! Did God save you from the lions?”

“Why yes, the angel closed their mouths and they did not harm me. I am innocent before God.” Daniel replied.

The king is greatly relieved. Then he ordered all the governors who plotted against Daniel into the lions’ den along with his wives and children. The lions tore them apart before they even touched the ground.

“What? The wives and children too? They were innocent! They didn’t deserve this! Just have the guilty men be imprisoned.” Angel said.

King Darius announced to all the people in the world, “I hereby issue an edict that Daniel’s God is to be feared and revered!”

“And so ends the story of Daniel. Seriously, this story is stupid. As are all your other stories.” Angel said.

“Oh, like you can do any better?” God said.

“As a matter of fact, I can! Not just me, but anyone else who can write!” Angel said.

 

Jonah 1:1

 

One day God spoke to Jonah, “Go to the great city Nineveh and tell people, “God saws you are all wicked and you should be punished!’”

“God, what the hell are you up to now?” Angel asked.

“Not now, Angel. I’m trying to do something here!” God said.

Yet, Jonah just ran away from God.

Angel laughed so hard.

“Shut up! This is part of my plan!” God shouted angrily.

At Joppa, he boarded a merchant ship, headed to Tarnish, far away from God.

“Seriously? An omniscient, omnipresent God is virtually everywhere! Nowhere is there any place you can hide.” Angel said.

God hurled a violent storm against the ship.

“God, why are you tormenting Jonah?” Angel asked.

The sailors each cried out to their own Gods in terror. Then they threw all the cargo out of the ship to make it lighter.

Meanwhile Jonah was asleep.

“Seriously? Amidst the storm? He has to be extremely sound sleeper.” Angel said.

“Why are you asleep? Beg God to spare us!” Captain of the ship said.

Jonah said, “Throw me oversea, for it’s my fault this is happening!”

“Really? Couldn’t you just throw yourself over instead?” Angel said.

And so they did, they threw him overboard. And immediately, the sea was calm. Then God sent a huge fish to swallow Jonah. Jonah was in the belly of the fish for three days and nights.

“Now that’s ridiculous. Logically he would have been digested. No way could he survive living in the whale.” Angel said.

“Oh God, you threw me into the depth and as my life is slipping away, I call to you to rescue me, right now!” Jonah cried.

So God made the fish puke him out onto dry land.

“Now go to the great city as I told you and tell them what I just said!” God said.

It was a three day journey to the city and Jonah made it to the city without delay.

As he walked through the city, he said, “For forty days from now, this city will be demolished!”

“Another Sodom and Gomorrah crap, God?” Angel said.

The king of the city said, “Turn away from your evil ways, perhaps God will not destroy this city and kill us!”

So the people turned away from their wickedness and sin.

“Really? ‘Oh I’ll go clean up my room, mommy, I promise to be good.’ Come on God, this is getting ridiculous!”

“Angel, you should know that I made the rules and laws which to follow; obey only me, to keep my commandments and to worship only me!” God said.

So Jonah sat down outside the city to watch what will happen to it. God Saw that the people had turned away from evil and he felt pity. And did not commit the evil he had threatened.

This was very upsetting to Jonah and he became furious, saying to God, “I knew this would happen and that’s why I ran from you! You show great mercy and do not carry out your threats. So just kill me, because I’d rather die than live.”

“Why are you so angry?” God asked.

Jonah sat down and God caused a little plant to grow so large it covered Jonah with Shade, providing relief from his misery, causing him to feel joy. The next morning, God caused the plant to shrivel up. With sun beating down on him, Jonah despaired, saying, “I could just die!”

“Seriously? You’re angry over this plant?”

“Yes! I could just die!” Jonah said.

“Maybe you should have let him be digested, God.” Angel said.

“If you’re so overly protective of this plant, you could have cared for it. But instead you just let it die. Which is odd, because I was protective of the 120,000 people who don’t know right from wrong.” God said.

“God, you were going to destroy the city if Jonah didn’t warn them. If you are concerned about them not knowing right from wrong, you could have been teaching them that. Yet oddly enough, they behaved better when they were warned so their city doesn’t become the next Sodom. So basically, you would in Jonah’s place destroy the plant because reasons. Sure, Jonah should care for the plant if he cared about it, yet he didn’t. But you don’t care about the people, just their worship and you would gladly destroy it or have it enslaved as some form of punishment!” Angel said.

(Finally, the end of the Old Testament! Now I shall do the New Testament! And God had not destroyed me!)