Bible fun, part 15, Job

Job

Job 1:1

 

(My note: I’m thankful that now the future stories will be shorter. Doing the stories of David, Saul, and Solomon is insane and very long and I had to cut quite a bit of them. I enjoy doing them, nonetheless. I will explain why I did all this later, but first I will finish the entire bible.)

 

In the land of Uz, there is Job, and he is perfectly righteous, fearing God and shunning evil. He had 7 sons and 3 daughters. He had 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 500 oxens, and 500 she-donkeys and he had a great number of servants.

“I guess to be righteous, you have to be totally ok with slavery and wealth and such, right God?” Angel asked.

“Oh can it, Angel. Their idea of righteousness is different from what you think should be righteous because of their culture.” God said.

“Oh that’s right, you are a God that is all about their culture and never any way different from it. Curious how every culture around the world had their gods and goddesses behave exactly how their culture was. It’s almost as if you were just made in the image of mankind.” Angel said.

He was the greatest in all the East.

One day, the sons of God came to present themselves before God. Satan was one of them.

“Satan, where did you come from?” God asked.

“God, you know exactly where he came from,” Angel said.

“Oh just roaming around Earth, no biggie,” Satan said.

“Have you seen Job? Isn’t he wonderful? So righteous and good, she God fearing and perfect.” God said.

“Well duh, it’s because you protected him and his possessions. Destroy everything he had, he will hate you.” Satan said.

“Alright, let’s have a bet. I’ll put everything he has in your power. Only, do not harm the man himself.” God said.

“God, what are you doing? Why are you making bets on Job’s life?” Angel asked.

“To prove that nothing will shake Job’s faith in me!” God said.

“By making a bet? And destroying his life? This is not a good way to maintain the loyalty and faithfulness of your followers, this is just dominance and abuse of power.” Angel said.

 

A messenger came to Job, “The oxen and the donkeys are being attacked by Sabeans! They carried them all away and killed your Servants!”

Another messenger came to him, “Fire of God came from heaven!”

Another came, “Chaldeans have raided the camels!”

Another came, “Your sons and Daughters swept away from the mighty wind. They’re all dead!”

So Job got up and tore his clothes and shaved his head.

“Oh God be blessed! God has given to me, God may take it all back! In no way had I committed any sin against God, yet God saw fit to take everything I had and destroy it all!”

 

“See, He still remains faithful to me!” God told Satan.

“Yeah, a man will give all he has, but if you were to strike his body, then he would hate you.”

“Fine. Just don’t kill him. Just sent some plagues and whatnot.” God said.

“God, stop. Hadn’t you done enough harm already? Especially for a stupid bet?” Angel said.

So Satan inflicts painful boils on Job from head to toe. Job Took a shard of broken pottery and scraped himself with it, sitting among the ashes of the dunghill outside of town.

His wife showed up, “Oh my God, had you not cursed God yet? Just die already!”

“Jeez, show some pity for him! Yeah God’s a dick, but still!” Angel said.

“You are so foolish. Should we not accept what is good and evil?”

 

Job’s three friends showed up. Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar heard what happened to Job. They hardly recognized him.

They sat around him for 7 days and no one spoke.

“I wish I could just die already! Why must I suffer this pain?” Job cried.

“Consider this. Who ever perished for being righteous? If you were righteous, you wouldn’t have suffered. God may punish, but he also heals.”

“But what could I have done wrong? Tell me and I will be quiet! Don’t accuse me of such shit, I was righteous and good! Why must God test me so? What had I ever done to you, oh God? Why can’t you forgive me?”

“God does not pervert justice! God would never forsake a righteous man nor give aid to evil.”

“Can I prove blameless before God? Who am I to question God? Even though I am innocent, God will not listen or care, he would just punish me for no reason! He destroys the righteous and the wicked. He laughs at the innocent.” Job cries.

“How dare you speak to God like that? I wish God would come down right now and prove you wrong! You must have done something wicked!” Zophar said.

“Some friends you all are! Evil people prosper, I alone am a righteous man who had been punished for no reason! You’re all rotten and it would be best if you all shut the hell up! God can go ahead and kill me, but I defend my innocence! God! I cry out to you! End this suffering and answer me! Show me what I have done to you! Why do you hide from me and treat me like your enemy?”

“Your sin guides your words so that you turn your spirit against God. How can God trust holy men much less filthy and corrupt like you? Eliphaz said.

“Wow, you’ve brought me such comfort and help. NOT! If you were in my place, you would wonder too! Yet I would bring comfort and supporting words, not this bile you speak unto me! Everyone is just so mean to me! Why won’t you have pity on me? Isn’t it bad enough that God did this to me?” Job said.

“The happiness of the wicked is short-lived. Though his pride reaches the heavens, he perishes forever like his own dung! He consumes wealth, and God will make him puke it up. God sends righteous fury on him!

Job said, “The wicked grow old, gain in prosperity, and see their children succeed. They go to Sheol in peace. You might say God stores up a man’s punishments for his sons, but let him repay the man himself so he knows it! Let his own eyes see his destruction! You attempt to console me with nonsense? Your explanations are meaningless.”

“Do you think it’s for your piety that God punishes you and brings justice on you? You’re so wicked and your sins are numerous!” Eliphaz said.

“Job really needs new friends.” Angel said.

“You stripped men of clothes, took water from the thirsty and food from the hungry, you sent widows away empty-handed and crushed hopes of orphans! This is why snares are all around you and sudden fears terrify you!” Eliphaz said.

“Oh? Why have we not seen any of this done by Job then? Where was the evidence of the things Eliphaz accused him of?” Angel asked.

“I never stopped obeying God’s commands, but what he did to me is too much. If only I knew where he was so I could state my case before him! As long as God lives, I will never speak deceit nor declare you three rights. I maintain I am righteousness! I rescued the poor who cried for help, the orphans when no one would help them! I made widows rejoice, I was the eyes and feet to the blind and lame!” Job said.

“Would be nice if we saw all Job had done all his years to see if what he said is true as well, but all this is just talk,” Angel said, “Not saying He’s lying, just that we need more instead of all this right here.”

“If I had done God wrong, then may all have my crops, my wife can screw around with other fellas.” Job said.

Now Elihu showed up, “Now you listen to me, Job! Listen to me, very carefully! You said you did nothing wrong, but you’re full of shit, literally and figuratively speaking! God does not do evil, he does not pervert justice! He watches over the righteousness, he tells what sins been done so they may be corrected. Do not turn to sin, for you are being tested. Who is a better teacher, than God?”

“Anyone can be a better teacher,” Angel said.

“Angel, shut the hell up!” God shouted.

God appeared before them, “Who dares to speak such ignorance!? Hold onto your britches and I will question you and you shall answer to me! Where were you when I was laying the foundations for the earth? Who did the measuring? On what are its foundations sunk? Who laid its cornerstone? Who shut the sea behind doors when it burst from the womb and established its limits, setting doors and bars in place, saying, ‘You shall not pass?’ Have you ever in your life commanded dawn to know its place, that it might take hold of the foundations of the earth and shake the wicked out of it? Have you ever traveled to the springs that feed the seas? Or walking on the bottom of the ocean? Have you seen the gates to the shadow of death? Can you command the stars or lightning bolts?”

Job cried, “I’m not worthy! I cannot answer that!”

“You dare to criticize my justice? You think I am wrong and you’re right? You think you’re better than me?!”

“You’re truly a badass God, I hate myself and repent!” Job cried.

“Eliphaz, you and your friends know nothing about me! Job speaks true! Go cook up a barbecue for me!” God said.

 

Now God turns back to Job, “Hey now, I will restore your fortune and double it. You’re gonna get 14,000 sheep. 6,000 camels, 1,000 oxen and 1,000 she-donkeys. You have 7 sons and 3 daughters who are now more beautiful!”

With this, Job lived 140 years of his life, still festering with sores and boils.

 

“God, what the fuck? Job deserves better than that. You should heal job and give him back his old family! And you apologize and admit you have made a stupid bet on Job and you’ll never do it again!” Angel yelled.

 “No! Then he would think he’s better than me or that I’m not a good God or worthy of worship!” God said.

“Anyone with a brain can see that you’re nothing more than a spiteful God who plays with people’s lives,” Angel said.