bible fun, part 14, King Solomon

 King Solomon

1kings 1:38, 1 Chronicles 11:22

 

Zadok the priest, Nathan the prophet, Benaiah the warrior, and the kerethites and pelethites put Solomon on a mule and led him down to the spring of Gion. Zadok took the horn of oil and anointed Solomon. They sounded the trumpet and shouted, “Long live King Solomon.”

As Adonijah and all his guests were finishing their feast, they heard the trumpet and Joab asked, “What is all that racket going on in the city?”

Jonathan, son of Abiathar the priest arrived, “King David made Solomon king!”

With that, everyone went into a state of panic and went their own ways.

Fearing Solomon, Adonijah went and grabbed the horns of the altar.

Solomon was informed, “Adonijah has taken hold of the horns of the altar, let King Solomon swear not to put his servant to death.”

“If he’s good, then he’s cool. If he’s not, then he’s toast!” Solomon said.

So they brought Adonijah to Solomon and he bowed down before him.

“Go Home, you’re drunk,” Solomon said.

“My Solomon,” When David last spoke to Solomon, “Remember the commandments by Moses. Oh, you did remember what Joab did to the two commanding ameries of Israel. Do not let his gray hair go down to Sheol in peace. This Shimei cursed me terribly when I was traveling. I swore to God he would not be killed by the sword. You are a wise man, now. You know what to do with Him. Bring his gray hair down to Sheol in blood.” Then David died.

Then Adonijah went to visit Solomon’s mother Bathsheba. She asked, “Do you come in peace?”

“In peace…” He said, “You know, this whole kingdom was mine, then everything changed and all went to Solomon. Now I have but one request of you. Do not refuse me.”

“Say it,” Bathsheba said.

“Please ask King Solomon to give me Abishag as my wife.” He said.

“Very well, I will speak to the king on your behalf.” She said.

She asked Solomon, “I have a small request. Please do not refuse me.”

“Ask me, I will not refuse,” Solomon said.

“Let Abishag be given to your brother Adonijah as a wife.” She said.

“Why only ask for her? Why not the kingdom?” He asked, “May God curse me and worse if Adonijah does not pay for this request. He will die today!”

He sent Benaiah and had him kill Adonijah. Solomon banished Abiathar from the priesthood, and when news reached Joab, he fled to the Tabernacle of God and grabbed ahold of the horns of the altar. When Solomon was told this, he sent Benaiah to kill him.

He reaches Joab, “The king commands you to come out!”

“No! I will die here!” Joab said.

Benaiah told Solomon what he said, then Solomon said, “Go do as he says, kill him, and may the blood of Abner and amasa be on Joab’s descendants forever.”

So he did and killed Joab.

Then Solomon summoned Shimei and said, “Build yourself a house in Jerusalem and live there. But the day you cross the Kidron valley, you will die!”

Shimei said, “And so I will act accordingly.”

3 years later, 2 of Shimei’s slaves ran away to Gath. Shimei saddled up his donkey and brought back his slaves from Gath. When Solomon was told what he did, he summoned him.

“Did I not tell you to not go anywhere else? Why did you disobey me?” He asked, “God will repay you for what you did to my father. But I shall be blessed.” And so he gave Benaiah the command to kill Shimei.

 

Solomon made an alliance with the Pharoah, king of Egypt, and married his daughter. He took her to live in the city of David until he finished building his palace, the temple of God, and the wall around Jerusalem.

The king went to Gibeon and offered a thousand burnt sacrifices on the altar there.

“Holy crap! Why did he need to kill that many animals?” Angel asked.

God appeared in Solomons’ dream and asked, “Ask me what you want and I will give it to you.”

“You have so many chosen people, I am an inexperienced youth, so give me the greatest wisdom of knowing right from wrong.”

Angel laughed, “You seriously think you can get wise just from asking? Wisdom comes from years of learning and experience, not from just asking God to give it to you. Also, you would be better off asking for a mentor who does know much more wisdom to give you council!”

Yet God answered Solomon, “Because you didn’t ask for wealth or a long life, I will make you wise! And for an added bonus, I’m tossing in wealth and honor, because you hadn’t asked. If you follow my commandments as your father did, I’ll grant you a long life too.”

Of course, it had just been a dream.

Two female prostitutes came to the king, one said, “My lord, this woman and I live in the same house. 3 days after I gave birth, this woman also had a baby. Her baby died in the night, so she swapped my son with her dead baby at my breast when I was asleep. When I awoke, I realized it was not my baby.”

“No, that’s not true! The live baby is mine!”

“No mine!”

Solomon said, “Enough! Bring me my sword!” his sword was brought to him, “Now, I shall cut the baby in half and give the half to each of the mothers!”

“What? Seriously? No mother would agree to that, and this is a terrible way of showing wisdom!” Angel said.

“No my lord, just give my son to her, don’t hurt him!” the mother said.

The other said, “Sounds fine to me, chop that little brat up!”

“Then it is the first mother. Give her the child back.”

All of Israel heard of his decision and held him in awe because of the great wisdom God gave him.

“Only the great wisest would ever think it’s a good idea to murder a baby!” one tells another.

God gave Solomon the greatest wisdom ever, his wisdom was so greater than all the men of the East and all the wisdom of Egypt. He spoke 3,000 proverbs.

“He who doesn’t beat the tar out of his son doesn’t love him! So beat the little brat!” Solomon says.

Men from all nations come to hear the wisdom of Solomon, “Better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with an argumentative woman, in other words, don’t stick around with crazy women!”

 

Solomon gave orders to build a temple for God and a bigger temple for himself. Solomon took a Census of all foreigners living in Israel, like his father David did.

“Wow, seriously?” Angel said.

Solomon made 80,000 foreigners stone mason slaves and made them build the temple. He made 70,000 of them burden bearers. 3,600 of them overseers to compel the people to work. In the 4^th year of Solomon’s reign, the foundation was laid for the temple of God in Jerusalem on Mount Moriah, on the threshing floor of Ornan the Jebusite. It was 90 feet long and 30 feet wide. It took 7 years to build. Only finished stones were used. In front of the temple, he had made two bronze pillars. He made a bronze altar 30 feet long, 30 feet wide, and 15 feet tall. When he finished, he put silver, gold, and other items his father had dedicated into the treasuries of God’s temple.

Then Solomon gathered all elders of Israel, all leaders of the tribes and families for the transfer of the ark of the covenant from Zion, the city of David. They were sacrificing so many sheep and oxen that it was beyond all counting.

“Jeez, talk about sheer bloodbath and insanity. God really loves blood.” Angel said.

The priests brought the ark to its place in the holy of holies in the temple, under the wings of the Cherubs. When the priests left the holy place, a cloud filled the temple of God and the priests could not carry out their duties because of it.

“God of Israel, there is no other God like you in Heaven above or on earth below. When skies are sealed shut and there is no rain because the people sinned against you. When they turn from their sin because you are punishing them and they pray toward this place, send rain on the land.” Solomon said.

After Solomon’s long prayer, God sent fire on the burnt offerings. Solomon sacrificed 22,000 cattle and 120,000 sheep.

“There’s really no reason to have so many animals sacrificed!” Angel said.

“Let him be, he was just expressing himself,” God said.

 

Then Solomon took 13 years to build his palace, which was made throughout with expensive dressed stone and cedar wood. He built the portico. It was 75 feet long and 45 feet wide with a porch in front with pillars and a roof. He built the hall of the forest of Lebanon. Solomon made 200 large shields of hammered Gold and 300 small shields and placed them in the hall of the forest of Lebanon. And he made the hall of the throne. He made a large throne of ivory and overlaid it with pure gold. The back of it was rounded and the throne had 2 armrests with lions beside them. The throne had 6 steps with 12 lions, 1 on each end of the step.

 

God appeared to him, “If you act with integrity and righteousness, obeying all my commandments and regulations as your father did, then I will secure your dynasty as I promised David. But disobey my commandments or worship other Gods, I will eradicate Israel! Israel will be ridiculed and people will wonder, ‘Why did God do this to the land and the temple?’ and they will say, ‘Because they worshipped other gods!’

 

King Solomon was wealthier than any king on earth. In Jerusalem, the king made silver as plentiful as stones. He built ships at Ezion Geber on the shores of the Red Sea. They sailed to Ophir and brought back 31,500 pounds of Gold. The king had ships at Tarshish. And every three years they returned carrying gold, silver, ivory, and apes. 50,000 pounds of Gold were brought to him each year. All the kings of the earth wanted to visit Solomon to hear the wisdom God had given him.

“Geez! Where is he getting all those gold and silver and stuff? And what is he even doing with them? I’m betting he’s not trying to end poverty or anything. Hell, with all that wisdom, he never thought it was wrong to own slaves or to possess so much wealth for personal gain or even to put an end to war or discrimination or…”

“Shut up, already Angel!” God said, annoyed with Angel.

 

When Queen Sheba heard of Solomon, she came to test him with difficult questions. She arrived in Jerusalem with camels bearing spices, gold, and precious stones. Solomon answered all her questions. There was no matter about which the king could not answer.

“I highly doubt that. “Angel said.

She gave Solomon more gold as if he needed any more. Later he gifted her something and she returned to her lands.

Solomon loved many foreign women in addition to  Pharoah’s daughter; Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians, and Hittites. They were from many Nations, and God told them that Israelites must not intermarry with them for they would shift your loyalty to their Gods. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. As Solomon grew older, his wives shifted his loyalty to other Gods. He did not worship God as his father did, he worshipped Sidonian Goddess Astarte. And the detestable Ammonite God Molech. On the hill eat og Jerusalem, Solomon built a shrine for the Moabite God Chemosh.

God is angry that he is not being worshipped by Solomon, “because of what you did, I will tear the kingdom from you and give it to your servant! But for your father’s sake, I’ll do it to your son, not you in your lifetime.”

Then God raised up an enemy against Solomon. Hadad, the last surviving member of the tribe killed by Joab. Pharoah liked Hadad so much that he gave him his sister-in-law for a wife. When he heard about David's dead, he wanted to leave for his country.

Pharoah asked him what he lacked here. He said, “Nothing, but please let me go.”

God raised another enemy against Solomon. Rezon of Zobah.

 

 

Solomon reigned in Jerusalem over all of Israel for 40 years. Then he died.

“What? That’s it? Not killed by an enemy? Or disease, he just keeled over?” Angel asked.

As for the rest of the events of Solomon’s reign, are they not recorded in the scrolls of the annals of Solomon, the history of the prophet Nathan, the prophecy of Ahijah of Shilo, and the visions of Iddo the Seer?

 Solomon’s son Rehoboam succeeded him as king. When Jeroboam heard the news, he returned from Egypt when he fled from Solomon. All of Israel assembled in Schechem to make Rehoboam king.

Rehoboam said to the Israelites, “My father punished you with whips, but I will punish you with scorpions.

So all of Israel returned to their homes. The king did not listen to the people because God brought these events.

And so Israel split in two, plot plots massacre. God also had Egypt plunder Israel. There was a civil war that killed 500,000 Israelites.