bible fun, part 13, King David.

 King David

2 Samuel

 

All the tribes of Israel came to David, “When saul was king, you were the real military leader of Israel.”

“I was just a farm boy tending sheep and all, I didn’t even know how I even got here. Anyway, thanks. I guess.” David said.

And so David reigned for 40 years, 7 in Hebron and 33 in Jerusalem.

 

David and all of Israelites all advanced on Jerusalem, which is to say Jebus.

The Jebusites lived there and were lands original inhabitants. When David and his army arrived, the inhabitants said to him, “Go away! The blind and the lame will turn you away.”

“How can the blind and the lame turn anyone away? And why would they?” Angel asked.

“Whoever attacks Jebusites must use the water tunnel to get to the blind and the lame who I hate with every fiber of my being!” David said.

“That makes no sense whatsoever! What has the blind and the lame got to do with anything?” Angel asked.

“Whoever kills a Jebusite first will become commanding general!” David said.

“Wow, what a homicidal dickhead!” Angel said.

They broke through the tunnel into Jerusalem and David captured the fortress of Zion. Joab became the army general.

David lived in the fortress and so it was known as the city of David. King Hyram of Tyre sent David messengers with cedar logs, carpenters and stonemasons. And they build a palace for David. And now the blind and the lame cannot enter the palace.

In Jerusalem, David married more wives and concubines. And he has children with them.

The philistines heard that David had been anointed king of Israel. So they marched out to confront him.

“God, must I attack the philistines?” David asked.

“Yes, of course. Do it. Because I love the smell of blood!” God said.

“God is totally an all-loving God,” Angel said sarcastically.

So they fought and David won. He said, “Through my hand, God has burst forth against his enemies as water burst forward.”

“Why would God need enemies? They weren’t your enemies, they were their enemies that cry for you to help defeat them. Which seems to be the case for every religion and their Gods.” Angel said.

“Shut up!” God said.

The philistines abandoned their idols there. David ordered that they be burned. Again, the philistines raided the valley.

“Listen David, I want you to have your army come from the rear of the philistine army.” God said.

And so David did as God commanded and went behind the enemy line. David them struck them from Gibeon all the way to gezer.

David’s name became so well known throughout the land that all nations fear him. I suppose even Japan, All Americas, Russia, Europe and Australia knew.

David sent 30,000 men to retrieve the Ark of God. The Ark bears the name of God who sits enthroned between Cherubim. They loaded it onto a new cart. And David and all Israelites were celebrating. When they came to the threshing floor, the oxen stumbled. They tried to steady the ark. And so God’s anger at Uzzah for touching the ark got him killed.

“Jeez, all for trying to keep your Ark steady and safe? What did you even want them to do If it spilled out and fell open, all your Israelites will die.” Angel said.

David was angry at God, so he called that place Outburst against Uzzah. And it remains to this day. So David did not move the Ark to city of David. He left it at the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite.

Later, the house of ebed-Edom were blessed so David took the Ark to the city of David then and all of Israel were shouting and dancing. David danced before God only wearing a loincloth.

As the Ark entered the city, Michal looked out the window. She was appalled at David. They brought the ark to the tent David have prepared for it. David offered burnt offering.

“Such an honor of a King of Israel to expose himself to slave girls like a fool!” Michal said.

“It was in front of God. He chose me over your family! So shut it!” David said.

Michal had no children by him to the day she died.

“Dare I say, a bit of a karma for lying about David?” Angel asked.

Nathan was made prophet and God spoke to him, “Tell David not to build me a house. I’m God, I don’t live in houses. Tell David too that When you die, I will raise up one of your sons to succeed you and I will make his dynasty permanent. For I will establish a place for my people Israel and they will not be disturbed anymore.”

“And yet there’s still constant war going on in the 21^st century. So much for not disturbing them.” Angel said.

And so David was told by Nathan this. David went and sat before God, “May your promise made be permanent.”

 

Later, David defeated the Philistines. He took Gath and all surrounding towns away from the philistines. David slaughtered the Moabites, killed 22,000 Arameans, Exterminates Edomite males. Those that survived offered tributes to David. David has taken the tributes to God; god, silver and such.

During David’s Reign, there was a famine that lasted continuous for 3 years. God explained to David, “It was because of Saul and his bloody family. Because he killed the Gibeonites. The Gibeonites where not Israelites, but they were vowed to be spared, but Saul annihilated them.”

So David asked the surviving Gibeonites, “How can I make amends for you?”

“Eye for eye, give us 7 sons of the man who sought to dismember and annihilate us and we do the same!”

“And so it shall be done!” David said.

So they gave them two of Saul’s sons and the five grandsons. So they were slaughtered by the Gibeonites.

David had moved the bones of Saul and Jonathan. God then said, “Ok, all is done, so I will stop the starvation of your people.”

“Famine occurs no matter what, just as earthquakes and diseases, which has nothing to do with you. It can all be easily explained through science.” Angel said.

“They don’t know that, they think it was because of me!” God said.

“So basically you just had innocent people killed for assumptions that may not be why. It’s sad that if you’re supposed to be an all-loving God, you could have told David to not allow anyone to kill anyone. No more wars and to explain exactly what famine, earthquakes and diseases really are!” Angel said.

 

God appeared before David, full of anger, “Go and take a census of Israel and Judah!” So did Satan, saying the same.

“What?” Angel asked.

David said to Joab, “Go through all tribes of Israel and take census, so I know how many people are there.”

So Joab and his Army did. After 9 months and 20 days of traveling throughout the and, Joab returned to Jerusalem and said, “800,000 men able to wield sword and 500,000 in Judah.

David felt very guilty about taking the census that he begged to God, “I sinned greatly against you, I beg you to take away the guilt of your servant for I have done the foolish thing?”

God appeared to Gad the Prophet, “Tell David I am offering three options, choose one and I will inflict it against you.”

So he did, “3 years of famine? As if we didn’t just have three years of that? 3 months of fleeing from your enemies or 3 days of plague on your land?”

“I am distraught. Let it be by God’s hand than men, for God is merciful.” David said.

“Merciful? When were you ever merciful?” Angel asked.

“Well… shut up, alright. I just am!”

So God sent the plague throughout Israel. From north and south, 70,000 men died. Then the angel extended his hand to destroy Jerusalem. Then God said to him, “That’s enough, hold back your hand.”

“Just so we’re clear here, that wasn’t me, it was the other angel that god commanded.” Angel said.

“Who are you talking to?” God asked.

“No one.” Angel said.

David cried out, “Why them? Why not me? They did nothing to deserve this!”

“Build an Altar to God on the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite.” Gad said.

So David did.

“Well that’ll teach you to take a census when I told you to take a census! Just like when I told Balaam to go curse the Israelites when I told him not to and so on!” God said.

 

Sometime later, the king of Ammonites died. His son Hanun succeeds him.

David said, “I will show the same loyalty to Hanun that his father showed me.”

So David sent messengers to express their condolences over his father. When David’s messengers reached the land of the Ammonites, the noble said, “Honoring the king’s father? Surely you’re not spies, aren’t you?”

They shaved half their beards, cut off clothes at the buttocks and sent them away.

David saw this and heard them, “Stay in Jericho until your beards grow back.”

“But no clothes to cover their bits?” Angel asked.

David had killed 40,000 Arameans. In springtime, the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab and all the Israelites. The massacred the ammonites and laid siege to Rabbah.

David remained in Jerusalem, and one late afternoon he was walking along the roof of the palace. And from the roof, he saw a beautiful woman bathing.

“Seriously David? You already had so many wives and concubines, you don’t need another one.” Angel said.

David sent someone to inquire about the woman. He was told, “That is Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah the Hittite. So he sent men to fetch her. She came to David.

“I must have you.” David said. They had sex.

Later, he was informed she is pregnant. So David sent a message to Joab, “please put Uriah in the front so he can be killed.”

“David has become a real piece of shit. And wait, didn’t he just committed adultery and coveting the wife?” Angel said.

Bathsheba heard that her husband died, so she was sad. David later married her after she grieved. She borne him a son.

God is pissed that David did such evil.

Nathan the prophet said, “You struck down Uriah so you can have his wife as your own! Such typical tripe for a majesty to do. Therefore the sword shall never depart from your family. I will bring disaster on you and your family. I will take your wives before your eyes! He will then have sex with your wives before you.”

“I’ve sinned against God!”

“God forgives you, you will not die. But because of your actions, your kid will die.” Nathan said and he left.

So God struck the baby with terrible illness. David pleaded with God to spare the child. A week later, the child died.

“That’s extremely harsh God, while David was a dick and deserved punishment, but taking it out on an innocent baby is not what I would have done.”

“Shut it, Angel. He deserved to be punished!” God said angrily.

“Yes, I agree, David did deserve punishment.” Angel said.

“No, not him, the baby.” God said.

“WHAT!!” Angel screamed!

Despite all that just happened, David had sex with Bathsheba again. Angel facepalmed.

She birth him a son and his name will be Solomon.

“Wait, wasn’t there another baby named Solomon?” Angel wondered.

“Aww, I think I’ll let this one live.” God said.

“Seriously? David didn’t seem to think about the fact he just had her husband killed and married her when he had countless of other wives and concubines. Seem to me all you did was killed a baby.” Angel said.

And God instructed Nathan to name him Jedidiah as he instructed.

Joab attacked Rabbah and captured the royal citadel. So David mustered the whole army, went to Rabbah, attacked and captured it. He took the crown of their king. It was Gold and weighed about 75 pounds, with precious stone set in it.

“Holy crap, 75 pounds? How were they able to have it on their head without it causing pain?” Angel asked.

And it was placed on David’s head. They took great plunder from the city, he expelled the residents of the city and made them do hard labor.

War broke out again with Philistines and Israel. David became exhausted fighting, and Ishi-Benob said he would kill David. He was one of the descendants of the giant. But Abishi came to David’s rescue and struck down the Giant and killed him. Then David’s men vowed to him, “my Lord, you mustn’t go to battle with us again, if you die, then Israel will die with you.”

Later there was another battle at Gob. They killed another Giant. Then there was another battle in Gezer. There was another giant and another giant and another!

 

Now David’s son Absalom had a beautiful sister who is named Tamar. David’s son Amnon fell in love with her. He was obsessed with her and because she was a virgin, he can’t do anything to her.

“I’m in love with Tamar.”

His friend Jonadab said to him, “Lie in bed and pretend to be ill. When your father comes to you, say, ‘let my sister Tamar come and give me something to eat, preparing the food in my sight, so that I may see it and eat it from her hand.”

And so he did and told his father what he wanted. So she did and prepared some food for him to eat.

So he grabbed her and said, “have sex with me.”

“No, that is wrong! Speak to father and he will not withhold me from you.”

Obviously, he did not listen, so he violated her. He hated her and told her to leave.

“No, sending me away would be worse than what you did to me!” She said.

He called for his personal servant and had him take her away.

Her brother Absalom said, “Did he violate you? Do be silent sister, he is your brother and you better not dwell on it.”

Obviously Tamar was inconsolable and remained at Absalom’s house.

When king David heard of this, he was very angry. However, he did not punish his son Amnon, because he loved him for he was his firstborn.

“Son or no son, it was inexcusable.” Angel said furiously.

2 years later, when Absalom had sheep-shearers in Baal Hazor, he invited the king’s sons there. Absalom instructed his servants, “When Amnon is good and drunk and I say, ‘strike Amnon down,’ then kill him.” And so they did.

David’s nephew Jonadab said to him, “Amnon is dead. Absalom talked of doing this to him since he raped Tamar.”

David wept aloud and mourned for his son everyday.

Absalom fled, going to King Talmai of Geshur and he stayed there for three years. In all of Israel, Absalom was more beautiful head to toe. Every year he shaved his head. He then weighed his hair, which was 3 pounds. Absalom had three sons and one daughter named Tamar. Absalom was kind to everyone, which he won the hearts of all Israel.

After 4 years, Absalom went to Hebron with 200 men and sent messengers throughout Israel, telling them, “As soon as you hear trumpet, shout, ‘Absalom is king at Hebron.’”

David was told, “the hearts of Israelites are with Absalom.”

David said to all his servants, “We must flee immediately or none of us will escape! Flee, flee for your lives!”

So the king and his entire royal court fled, except for 10 concubines to “look after the palace” when he is gone.

So they set on foot and all his servants with him. All of his officers were with him.

As David was going up the mount of olives, he was weeping with his head covered and his feet bare. David was told, “Ahithophel has sided with Absalom.”

“Oh god, make the advice of Ahithophel foolish!” David cried.

When David reached the summit, Hushai met him and David said, “You’ll be a burden should you come with me. But you can counter advice of Ahithophel if you go back and say to Absalom, ‘o king, I will be your servant.’ Everything you hear, you must tell the priests and have them sent to me with information.”

When David reached, Bahurim, Shimei from Saul’s extended family curses at them. He threw stones at David. He threw stones at all his servants and soldiers.

“Leave, for you have shed blood of Saul’s family! You are wicked and God punished you!” Shimei said.

Abishai asked David, “Let me cut off this Dog’s head off!”

“No,” David said.

They proceeded as Shimei threw stones at them and curse at them.

 

Absalom and his men arrived to Jerusalem and Ahithophel is with him. Hushai said to him, “Long live the king. I will be loyal to you.”

“Give me advice, what should I do?” Absalom asked.

Ahithophel said, “Go bugger your father’s concubines! Make yourself repulsive to your father and this will shore up support for you.”

So he did, he raped the concubines while everybody watched.

Ahithophel said to David, “take 12,000 men and pursue David. I will killed only the king and return the entire army unharmed.”

“That does sound good, but let’s hear what Hushai has to say.” Absalom said.

“Such is not a good idea, for your father and his men are dangerous as a mother bear without her cubs. Let all of Israel be mustered to you, numbering like sand by the sea, lead them personally into battle. And neither David nor any of the men with him will be spared alive.”

“I like your advice better.” Said Absalom.

Now God acted to frustrate the sound advice of Ahithophel so God could bring disaster upon Absalom. When Ahithophel realized his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his hometown. He then hung himself.

Absalom had made Amasa the commanding general of the army in place of Joab. David readied his army as well.

“Do not go into battle, remain in the city!” His men cried.

“Fine.” David said, “For my sake, deal gently with Absalom.”

David’s men defeated the Israelites army. Absalom was riding his mule and then got his head stuck in the oak tree. He was suspended in midair and one man saw this. He reported to Joab, “I saw Absalom hanging in an oak tree.”

Joab took three daggers and thrust them in the middle of Absalom while he still was alive in the middle of the oak tree. Then 10 soldiers finished him off. They took Absalom and threw him in a large pit and stacked stones over him.

 

Ahimaaz son of Zadok the priest said, “Let me run and give king the good news that God rescued him from the power of his enemies.”

Joab said, “You will not be the bearer of good news, for it was King’s son that died.” He then turned to Cushite, “Go tell the king what had happened.”

Ahimaaz said, “Whatever happens, let me go after the Cushite.”

“Then go.”

Ahimaaz then ran passed the Cushite. David was at the two gates when Ahimaaz called out, “Greetings! May God be praised because he defeated the men who opposed my lord, the king!”

“How was my son, Absalom?” David asked.

“Umm… well I don’t know… It was all too confusing…” He stammered.

Then the Cushite arrived, “God has vindicated you today, rescuing you from the power of all who rebelled against you.”

“And my son?” David asked, feeling annoyed.

“May the enemies of my lord the king and all who have plotted against you be like that young man!” He said.

King became very upset, “My son, Absalom! I should have been the one dead!”

Joab went to the king, “You love those who hate you, and hate those who love you. You rather your son live and all of us dead! So get up and give encouragement to your troops! For if you do not, no man will be left with you by nightfall!”

So David went up to the city gate, “May God curse me and worse if I don’t make Amasa the commanding general instead of that piece of crap, Joab!”

Then David went to his palace. David placed his 10 concubines in prison. He provided them needs, but did not have sex with them.

“Why did he need to imprison the concubines? They were raped, they didn’t deserve this! But what do I expect from a man that allowed his son to rape his own sister and get away with it?” Angel said.

 

Now a worthless man named Sheba the bejaminite blew the shofar and said, “We have no share in David! We have no inheritance in this son of Jesse! O Israel, every man to his tents!

David heard of this and said, “Now Sheba would do worse than my son did. Go take the soldiers and pursue him or he will secure fortified cities for himself and get away from us.”

So Joab’s men, accompanied by the Kerethites, the pelethites and all the warriors, left Jerusalem to pursue Sheba. Amasa came to them. Joab spoke to Amasa, “How are you, my brother?”

Joab dressed in military garb and dagger stepped forward and dropped his dagger. With his right hand, Joab took hold of his beard as if to greet him with a kiss, the split open Amasa’s stomach. While Amasa wallowed with his severed body, they moved him and then pursued Sheba.

“Jeez! Stone cold killer.” Angel said.

Sheba traveled through all tribes of Israel, even to Abel Beth-Maacah. So Joab laid siege against him. They prepared a siege ramp outside the city which it stood. All of Joab’s soldiers were trying to break through the wall so it would collapse.

Then a wise woman spoke, “You’re attempting to destroy an important city. Why destroy God’s inheritance?”

“I don’t want to destroy anything, just give us Sheba and we’ll leave!”

“I represent peace and faith in Israel. So I shall toss his head over the wall to you.” She said.

And so the inhabitants cut off Sheba’s head. They tossed it to Joab and they returned to David with its head.

Now king David is very old. There’s not enough blankets to keep him warm.

“We shall get you some virgins to lie on top of you.” His servants said.

So they searched far and wide for a young beautiful woman.

“So none of his wives or concubines would suffice? What ever happened to them?” Angel asked.

They found Abishag and brought her to the king to serve him.

David’s son Adonijah was born after Absalom had and is very handsome.

“I will be king!” He said.

He acquired chariots, horsemen and 50 men to be his personal guard. Now his father had never in his life corrected him by saying, “Why do you do such things?”

Adonijah spoke with Joab and the priest and they supported him. He sacrificed sheep, cattle, and fattened steers at Zoheleth, inviting all his brothers, king’s sons, and men of Judah. But not Solomon or Nathan the prophet.

Nathan said to Bathsheba, “Had you heard that Haggith’s son Adonijah has become king unbeknownst to our master David? Here’s how you can save your life and the life of your son Solomon. Go to king David and say, ‘o king, did you not solemnly promise your servant ‘Solomon will sit on my throne and be king after me’? While you are speaking to the king, I will come in after you and back up your words.”

So Bathsheba did as Nathan said, “but now Adonijah has become king without your knowledge. Now when you lie with your ancestors, my son and I will be considered traitors.”

Nathan arrived, “My master, did you say, ‘Adonijah will become king after me and sit on my throne’? For today he and the king’s sons, army commanders, and Abiathar the priest are having a feast and they have declared, ‘long live king Adonijah.’”

David then said, “As God lives, I keep my oath and Solomon will be king after me.”

David sang to God, “God is my stronghold, my rescuer. Waves of death engulfed me, rivers of destruction terrified me. The ropes of Sheol ensnared me. The cords of death trapped me. In my distress I call out to you. “

“God has heard him and mounted his winged cherub and glided down on the wings of wind. Earth heaved because he was angry. A devouring fire came from his mouth. From brightness in front of him came coals of fire. He shot arrows and scattered them. God reached down and took me above. He rewarded me for my righteousness and took notice of my blameless behavior.”

Angel facepalmed, “David had his concubines imprisoned, he had ignored his Son who raped, he had done stupid stuff. He was not righteous at all!”