bible fun, part 11, King Saul, David and Jonathan

 King Saul

 

Man named Elkanah had two wives, Peninnah who has his children but  hannah had none, but God made her infertile. Ek loved Hannah more.

“Wow, same as Jacob’s story, interesting how stories seem to repeat itself.” Angel said.

“No, no, it’s not the same. Think of it as a… remake… but different…. Stop looking at me like that!” God said.

On one occasion, Hannah got up and stood before God. Eli the priest was sitting in his chair by the doorstep of the temple of God.

With bitterness in her soul, and much weeping, she made a vow, saying, “God, give me child and I will dedicate myself to you, I will make sure my son will not be harmed!”

As Hannah prayed, her lips were moving but her voice could not be heard. Eli thought she was just some drunkard, “Get lost lady, you are drunk as a skunk!”

“The hell you talking about? I was praying to God.”

“Umm.. Ummm… ok well… Go in peace… I hope God heard you… “

 

So her husband stuck his pickle tickler in her and now God remembered her wish.

Soon, she gave birth, “God gave me a son at last!”

“Sweet, let us sacrifice a bull.” Her husband said. So they did.

“See this boy here, priest? This was whom I was praying to God for! You insufferable fool!”

“Oh nice… well… maybe you can leave your son here so I can teach him the word of God…” Eli said.

“… No.” She said.

 

Samuel grew up and now is ministering before God.

“Samuel.” God called.

“Here I am.” He said to Eli.

“I didn’t call for you… Come come lie on my bed with me…”

“No thanks.” He said.

“Samuel!” God said.

He went to Eli, “You called for me again.”

“I did not! But come to bed with me…”

“No, jeez.”

“Samuel!” God said.

“Geez, just appear before him!” Angel said.

“I’m here.” He said to Eli.

“My boy, you came to me three times. I’m tired of you playing games with me. If God calls you, say, ‘your servant is listening.’”

“Samuel, Samuel!”

“Speak, ingrate.” Samuel said.

“ANGEL!!” God shouted.

Angel laughed.

“Samuel, listen to me. I’m going to do something to Israel that will make everyone’s ears tinkle hearing it. I will carry out against Eli everything I have said about his family.” God said.

“Tell him I will condemn him and his family forever. His sons cursed me and he had not corrected them.”

Next morning, Eli asked Samuel, “What message has God spoken to you? Tell me or you shall be cursed and worse if you hide anything from me!”

“God is going to kill your sons because you’re a sick man and your sons hurt God’s feelings.” Samuel said.

“I swear by me, Angel, I will toss your ass in hell!” God threatened.

“If God thinks it’s best, then he shall do what he thinks is good.”

“Wow, what a great dad, ‘oh if daddy big guy in the sky wants my sons dead for hurting his feelings, so be it!’” Angel said.

“It’s not about my feelings, Angel. They should be showing some damn respect to me!”

Israel was destroyed by Philistines, Eli’s sons were killed and the ark of the covenant was taken, and when Eli heard the news, he died.

Yet God tortures the philistines. Everybody got herpes… i mean tumors. So they want to be rid of the ark. So they did.

They return the Israelites their Ark of the covenant, sacrificed the cows bringing it and then God then killed 50,000 of Israelites.

“God! What the hell? With so much death, it’s surprising how there’s anybody left alive!” Angel said.

“They looked inside the Ark of the covenant! Did you not watch Indiana jones?!”

“Oh damn, that movie wasn’t kidding!” Angel said.

 

“You know, crazy as it sounds, I kind of like having a psychotic megalomaniacal tyrannical God kill all 50,000 of us just for looking inside a box.” One of the Israelites said.

“Totes.” One agreed.

“Granted, you would have thought with us being the ones with the Ark all this time that we would have known better not to look inside!”

“Duh, not even our children would have done such stupid thing.”

 

So Samuel was anointed as Judge. Later he grew old and two young were anointed as judges.

“Kinda reminds me of final fantasy 12, of those kinds of judges.” Angel said.

The two young judges were corrupt. They did not follow Samuel’s way, so the people asked for a king. So Samuel asked God.

“Go give them a King, Samuel, but tell them that a king would be no different than a judge that would do way worse.” God said.

So Samuel told his people what God said, “And so your sons will be made into cannon fodder for war and your daughters be ‘bakers’ and ‘perfume makers’ but in fact would be warming his bed and being a sheath for his angry pink snake. He will take your fields, your slaves, your cattle for his own use and will tax the ever loving tar out of you all. You yourself will also be his slave.”

“Holy shit, I think I rather have your judges then!” Angel said.

“You asked for a king, which is your own fault, so God will not answer you.” Samuel said.

“Nah, we totally rather have the king. I mean, all other nations had one too! So we should too!”

“What other nations? They destroyed tens of kingdoms!” Angel said.

“Oh there’s few.” God said.

“God, they still want a king despite everything I told them!” Samuel said.

“Very well, I shall have a man from Benjamin. Anoint him as  leader of the Israelites.” God said.

 

“So now Saul will be king.” Samuel said. He poured oil on his head and then kissed him.

“Oh god damn it, are we gonna get stoned now?” Saul asked.

“No dumbass, it’s just ritual of anointment.”

“Ok.” Saul said.

 

“I think I have a change of heart.” God said.

“Why?” Angel asked.

“He joined in celebration.” God said.

Samuel spoke to people, “You rejected God when you said you wanted a king.”

“Well where is he?”

“Hidden in the baggage!” Samuel said.

“Hail to the king!” Said the people to Saul.

 

There was some evil king gouging out people’s eyes.

“I sure love gouging out eyes.”

“king Jeffery or Bolton Ramsey, everyone.” Angel said.

“Oh won’t no one save us?” scared Israelites said.

“Never fear, I shall slaughter oxen and fight this evil king.” Saul said.

Saul mustered 300,000 from Israel and 30,000 from Judah.

“holy crap, how did you have 300,000 from Israel when you have slaughtered so much?! Even when you can say many had more children, it seem like there’s some error in how many people there were.” Angel said.

 

Saul has a son Jonathan who has slain a Governor. The philistines were angry, “Saul’s son Jonathan has proven us right to keep weapons out of the hands of Israelites. They have proven to be barbaric! It’s impossible to have peace with them. We must destroy them!”

 

And so all the ammonites were slaughtered. Yet God later chose to ignore Saul and get angry with him anyway.

“God sent you on a mission to attack the sinful Amalekites until they are completely exterminated. Why didn’t you obey?” Samuel asked Saul.

“I did obey God, I brought back the king Agag only after exterminating Amalekites and the army took the best sheep and cattle only to be sacrificed to God.”

“Do you think God cares about the damn burnt offering? God demanded obedience, you don’t get to decide how you would do things. God is pissed at you! From now on, you’re a king no longer! We’ll anoint a new king.” Samuel said.

 

Jonathan said to his armor bearer, “let’s go into the philistine garrison on the other. My father doesn’t know, but whatever. Perhaps God can help us get across the rocky cliff to these hooded dick men.”

“I’ll follow you where ever you go, I’m all yours.” His armor bearer said.

“Hey, some Hebrews come out of their holes. Come here, we got something to show you.” One of the philistines said.

“Dear Hustler magazine, I don’t know how to describe this weird experience…” Jonathan said.

Then Jonathan and his armor bearer killed 20 of the men, “ah yes, they were gonna show us something… but we killed them… beautiful, huh?”

Saul said, “Curse on anyone who eats food before evening – before I have taken vengeance on my enemies!”

“Why would you curse people for wanting to eat before the evening?” Angel asked.

So none of the troops had eaten anything.

“I’m starving. We hadn’t had anything to eat for three stinking days!” one said.

“Yeah! Why couldn’t we have something to eat? What about the Honey? They’re fresh!”

“They are not for eating!”

“Why? Are they good for something else?”

“Angel, stop that! Quit turning this into a lord of the rings skit.” God said.

“Hey, when opportunity presents itself!” Angel laughed.

Jonathan not having heard of his father’s oath, he put the end of his rod in honey and ate it.

“Dear penthouse…” Angel said.

“ANGEL!!” God yelled.

“…I saw this delicious honey and wanted to stick my pecker in it…” Angel snickered.

“You are sick!” God said.

One of the troops said to Jonathan, “Your father cursed those who are to eat anything today.”

“If the people had eaten some of the plunder from their enemies, wouldn’t the slaughter of the philistines have been greater?”

That day, the Israelites struck Philistines until they were exhausted. Then they pounced on the plunder and ate cattle and sheep raw.

“Saul, the people are eating raw meat!” one told Saul.

“What the h e double hockeysticks is this! No eating raw meat! It’s a sin against God!”

Saul made an altar and then turned to his troops, “let’s go by the cover of night and kill all philistines until dawn!”

“God! Shall we destroy the philistines? Well you let us?” Saul asked. There was no answer, God was busy scrolling through youtube videos.

Then Saul turned to his troops, “Who sinned today? Even if it’s my son Jonathan, he will be killed! God, if the sin is in me or Jonathan, give Urim. If it is in people of Israel, give Thummim.”

So Jonathan was indicated. He said, “I ate honey off my rod.”

“I do not need to hear about your fetish, Jonathan!! God Shall curse me!” Saul yelled.

“Shall Jonathan who saved Israel be killed? Not one hair of his head shall fall to the ground!”

And so Jonathan was spared.

 

 

 

 

 

“No, no, not this one. Nor this guy. No, no, not him either… No, no, no, no, no, no.” Samuel said as he goes through who could be just the one God would anoint as king.”

“Here, go anoint him!” God said.

“And what be your name?” Samuel asked the youth.

“David.”

“David, now you will be our king.”

 

 

“Argh! God had turned away from me. Now there is this evil spirit tormenting me!” Saul cried.

“The LGBT community is going to turn kids gay! There’s a white male privilege thing and victim mentality is the new black!!” Said the spirit.

“Don’t worry, Saul, we have this guy who will play harp for that will calm the evil spirit.”

“Go get him then, please!”

“bread and circus is the thing to have, keep your people distracted by sports and such so they don’t see that you screwed them all.”

“Argh, god!”

“Hi, Saul, I’m David.” David said.

“Damn, I like you David.” Saul said. David played the lyre and the spirit said, “That lyre is overrated…” and then left.

“How does one know that the music will drive it away and why David and not anyone else?” Angel asked.

 

Goliath showed up amidst the philistine army.

“Come and send out your best warrior. If he can kill me, then we will become your subjects! If I kill him, you will be our bitch!”

“Is this not a war?” Saul asked.

“Well Sire, this is the world of the Bible, not the world of Iliad.” One of his general said.

David, who was providing provisions for the Israelite army, said, “Who is this intact man to defy the army of the living God?”

“The king will give him riches and his daughter’s hand in marriage, as well as be exempt from paying taxes.”

“You’re just a kid, David. He’s a warrior since his youth.” Saul said.

“Well, when I was tending the sheep, a bear would take one but I beat the bear with a stick.” David said.

“Fine, if you can beat that giant.” Saul said.

 

David was garbed and ready to take on Goliath.

“I need only my sling.” David said.

Goliath laughed, “Am I a dog, that you would come at me with sticks? Come here and I will have your flesh be fed to the birds and the beasts.”

David said, “I am standing against you in the name of God. I’ll cut off your head and give the corpses of philistine army to the birds and beasts!”

David struck him down with one stone to the head and then cuts off his head. And so the philistine army fled and the Israelites went and killed them all.

“David, whose son are you?”

“Son of your servant, Jesse.” David said.

 

Jonathan saw David and was in love with him.

Saul retained David and would not let him return to his father. So Jonathan made a covenant with David as he loved him. So Jonathan stripped off his clothes and dipped honey on his rod.

“ANGEL!!” God yelled.

 

After the fight, the women sang, “Saul had killed thousand men, but David killed ten thousand more!”

Saul was angry, “How can he have killed tens of thousands? He’s but a kid who took down just one giant and that still only counts as one!”