bible fun, part 2 Cain and Abel,

Cain and Abel

 

“God, the universe is so big and beautiful.” Angel said.

“Isn’t it? So wonderful.” God said.

“With all billions of galaxies and trillions and trillions of planets and stars. And the tiny speck over there is earth, teeming with life.”

“Indeed. And look, the earth is perfectly fine tuned.”

“No God, it isn’t. in fact, the universe isn’t fine-tuned. Nothing can survive in space. Even Earth isn’t fine-tuned, natural disasters, a fall from a great height can kill you, you can freeze to death, or die of heat, there’s diseases and there’s predation from other life that’ll kill you. You essentially made life difficult for your creations and they have to struggle to survive. And right now, your Adam and Eve have two children, they all have to struggle to survive.”

“Well… I suppose you’re right. But it’s going to be that way anyway. Anyway, I got to go check on Adam and Eve’s kids now.”

“Speaking of Adam and Eve, they didn’t doe as you said they would. So you lied.”

“No, no, now they will have a lifespan, so they’ll eventually die.”

“God, they couldn’t even understand death since it didn’t happen before and you could have told them that they will now have a lifespan until they will die. God, why did you even have to follow your creation after you exiled them from the garden? That’s like some leader following people they exiled. That makes no sense.”

“It’s all part of my plan. You see, I want them to eat from the tree so they can go out and populate the earth to create life and have them worship me.”

“What?”

“Oh you’ll never get it. You’re just an angel, not me anyway.”

Cain was born first, then Abel. Abel was the shepherd of the flock. Cain was the worker of the soil. Cain brought produce as an offering to God. Abel brought meat as offering to God.

“Ugh, Cain, I don’t like vegetables. You get nothing. Oh Abel, your meat offering is so good. You’re my favorite human.”

“God, why did you just dismissed Cain’s offering?”

“I don’t like vegetables.”

“Don’t like vegetables? What, are you a child, now? God, he worked hard for years to grow these crops for you, surely he deserves recognition for his hard work as his brother.”

“Why are you upset, Cain? If you do good, isn’t that enough?” God tells Cain and leaves.

Cain tells Abel to come with him to the fields. Then Cain kills Abel.

“Umm… God, Cain just killed Abel.”

“I know.”

“Why didn’t you stop it beforehand?”

“Freewill, freewill.” God said.

God appears before Cain, “Cain, where is your brother?”

“You know exactly where his brother is!” Angel said.

“Am I my brother’s keeper?” Cain asked.

“What have you done? His blood cries out to me from the ground. You are cursed from the ground which has opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood. Now when you till the ground, it will not yield its strength to you. You will be a drifter and a wanderer on the earth.”

“Your punishment is too great. I will be forever faced away from the land and people will kill me!”

“You mean his parents? Who else is going to try to kill him?” Angel asked.

“Well in that case, whoever kills Cain, a sevenfold vengeance will be taken on him.” God tells him.

“What? You punished him for killing his brother, which was your fault by the way, but you will protect him from people who will punish him themselves, which by the way would only be his parents.”

“Oh God has given me another child, because our Cain killed Abel. He will be Seth.” Eve said to Adam.

“Speaking of which, why had Adam and eve not been there and how would they have known Cain killed Abel when it wasn’t clear they were there?”

105 years later, Seth fathered a son named Enosh.

“With what wife? Oh gross! His own mother?” Angel said.

“Well I could have created a new wife for him, would that have been better?” God said angrily.

“Uh yeah, because incest produces birth deficiencies. You should know this.”

And Cain had sex and have child Enoch.

“I think I’m going to be sick.” Angel said.

“It’s not his mother, stop being ridiculous.”

“But there is no other women! Unless you have already created other human beings aside from Adam and Eve, technically, they wouldn’t be the first humans anyway!”

“It’s not meant to be taken literally! Human beings want to know how everything got created!”

“And you could have just went with, ‘well the humans were descendent from the great apes, came down from the trees and ran across the savannah and learned to make tools and whatnot!’”

“Humans come from great apes? Listen to yourself!” God laughed, “Then how can apes still be here? Ha ha ha ha ha!!”

“The God almighty doesn’t seem to understand how evolution works.” Angel said.

“Oh shut up! I know how it does. I just want people to think I created the first humans in effort to worship me!”

“So basically, you’re just a liar.”

“You son of a bitch!” God said angrily.

Cain built a city and named it after his son Enoch.

Seth’s son Enosh fathered Cainan and Cain’s son Enoch fathered Irad.

“God please, tell me there are really other women instead of just their mother!”

“I told you, there are other humans anyway. So stop your groaning, this isn’t Game of Thrones, you know!”

“Might as well be.” Angel said.

Cainan fathered Mahalalel and Irad fathered Mehuyael…

Then Yered and Methsushael…

“So basically all were born boys.”

“Shut up!” God shouted.

Enoch born and Lamech was born.

“If I didn’t know any better, I think God hates women.”

“I do not!”

“Then where are the daughters?!” Angel asked, “How do you expect descendants of this men to have children when their only woman is their mother, grandmother, their great, great grandmother!”

“Oh my me, I told you! There are other humans!”

“Which makes your creation story completely messed up!”

“No! It’s not meant to be taken literally!”

Enoch fathered Methuselath and Lamech had two wives, adah and Zillah.

“Interesting how there was never any mention of other people and suddenly these wives appear.” Angel said.

God decided to ignore the angel.

Enoch walked around with God for 300 years.

“300 years? So he did nothing with his life but walked around with you for 300 years? What were you guys doing?” Angel asked.

“oh, just hanging out and all.” God said.

And then he was no more, so God took him.

“You took him? Why did I read this in a perverted way?” Angel laughed.

“You sick, son of a bitch! He died and I took him to heaven, you perverted little angel!”

“Calm down, I got it, I was just having fun with you.” Angel laughed.

Not too long after that, the angel busted out laughing again. God grabbed the angel and threw him into space.

Lamech’s first wife gave birth to Yabal and Yubal. Zillah gave birth to Tubal-cain and his sister Naamah.

“See? A daughter. Not sexist against women.” God said as the angel reappeared.

“just one out of ten. Totally not sexist.”

“Oh go plough yourself.” God said.

Lamech said to his wives, “I have killed a man for a wound, a young man for my injury. If Cain is to be avenged sevenfold, then Lamech seventy-sevenfold!”

“Seriously? How would he know about Cain or your promise that anyone does anything to Cain it will return sevenfold onto them? Also, what really happened here? We’re not even given any story of what went down.” Angel said.

“Well what he doesn’t know is that it doesn’t count for him, so no it won’t happen.” God said.

Lamech was 182 and has fathered Noah, “This one will bring us relief from our labor and the painful toil of our hands because of the ground that the lord has cursed.”

“Geez, out a lot on the poor child.” Angel said.

Noah was now 500 years old when he fathered Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

“God, why is it that the men’s age are well over hundreds of years old? Especially Noah who was 500 when he bear children. Surely they would have bear children when they were very young.”

“Ummm… good point.” God said.