bible fun, genesis part 1

Bible fun, by an atheist.

 

Starting with the Genesis 1:1

 

In the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was formless and empty with darkness covering the deep. God hovers over waters.

On the fourth day, God said, “let there be light.”

“Hang on, hang on, how can you create earth without light? And where did the waters come from? Also, how can there be days when there was no sun?” said the angel.

“Don’t interrupt me! I’m trying to create the universe in such a way a child thought how the world began!” Yelled God.

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry.” Said the angel.

God separated light from darkness…

“or rather that the light from the sun shine bright on the earth, lightening it up.” Said the angel.

“It’s poetic, shut the hell up already!” He yelled again, “now I create the sky and the vaults of the water… make land, then the land shall be fruitful and growing plants and trees.”

“Wow, that’s pretty.” Said the angel.

“I know. Now I shall create the sun, stars and all, creating seasons and everything else…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, you mean on the first day you created light without the sun? Where did the light come from then?” the angel asked.

“Knock it off, will you?” God yelled.

“People are going to wonder, you know.” Angel said.

“People are stupid, they’ll believe anything. Even if it doesn’t make sense to them, they’ll think it’s a metaphor and interpret it the way that makes sense to them.” God said.

“And yet, you’re not going to be literal or factual?” angel said.

“Oh my me, will you lay off? You’re sounding like one of these damn atheists!”

“How can I be an atheist, when I’m standing in the presence of God almighty himself?”

“Oh shut up, smartass!”

And God created animals of all kinds, the flying creatures, the land creatures and the water creatures.

“You know, I think I want to create a human, in my likeness.” God said.

And so he created humans, “and now you can eat anything from the world here, name all the creatures and care for the earth.”

And on the seventh day, God decided to rest.

“Resting? You can’t get tired!” Angel said.

“Oh my me, will you stop it? It doesn’t mean I’m tired, I’m just relaxing!”

“Probably be best to say, ‘I take a good look at my creation for the day and I am pleased.’”

“That would sound good, but I like resting anyway, so can it.”

 

Genesis 2:4

 

God created the earth and heavens, but the earth was barren. There was nothing here.

“What the hell, did we start over again?” Angels asked.

“There’s two accounts for the creation. Besides, it’s not redoing the same stuff, but telling the story in more… detailed way…”

“You don’t sound so sure of yourself, God.”

“Oh piss off!”

And God made man out of dirt and blew air into its nostrils.

“I’m alive?” Adam asked.

“Wait God, you gave this human something new. A thing between his legs.”

“Oh I know. I created it specially for him and for all male offspring he’ll have.” God said.

“Oh, ok… how does that work?” Angel asked.

“Well he will have these magical seeds in his sack there and give the giggle stick a rub and out comes the milky seeds.” God said.

“That sounds gross! And so from that, he’ll create offspring?”

“Well not from himself alone, he’ll need a companion, though. Now Adam, wait here while I create a garden for you.” God said.

So God created a Garden, filled with plant life and animals. Then takes Adam onto the garden.

“Now you can eat anything from the garden, except for the tree of knowledge. Eat that and you will die!” God said.

“God, why did you place that tree there if you don’t want him to eat from it?” Angel asked.

“Can I please be allowed to do as I wish, you annoying little ingrate?”

“Fine, geez!”

“Oh Adam, I was thinking of giving you a companion. It’s too awfully lonely for you.” And God created a bunch of animals that he could take as a companion.

“Oh, hello baby.” Adam said to a goat.

“No!” God said. “You know, get some sleep Adam.”

And so Adam slept. God ripped a rib from Adam. From the rib, he created a woman.

“And now, he has a woman!”

“Wow, she looks…” Angel said.

“Yes. She has those large milk jugs for breastfeeding and that hole between her legs is where Adam can put his seeds in and out comes a baby.” God said.

“Ummm… ok. So once he put seed there, a fully formed human comes out?”

“Oh no, the baby will be born completely helpless and weak for few years, slowly starting to crawl, then walk and then talk. But the brain will not fully develop until adulthood. Oh, and it will be nine months pregnancy which will be hectic on the woman.”

“Why?” Angel asked.

“I don’t have to explain it, just take it as it is.”

“All the other animals offspring don’t have to walk or run until few hours or possibly few weeks and your humans’ offspring will take few years?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“just because, ok?”

After a while, the two humans walked naked and shameless. They come upon the tree of knowledge where a talking snake will appear.

“Did the God say you surely shouldn’t eat from this tree?”

“Yes.” Eve said.

“But you will gain knowledge and won’t die.”

“Ok.” Eve said and they, Eve and Adam, ate from the tree.

“Oh no, we’re naked! How embarrassing!” Eve said covering herself.

“Quick, let us cover ourselves in leaves.” Adam said.

“Why would they be freaking out over being naked? Eating from a tree of knowledge of good and evil shouldn’t mean be ashamed of your body. Besides, shouldn’t they be taught right from wrong anyway? Angel asked.

“Where did Adam and Eve go?” God asked.

“What do you mean where did they go? You know exactly where they are!” Angel said.

“Fine! Adam! Why are you and Eve covered up?”

“We ate from your tree!”

“You did what? You are now henceforth banished from the garden! Eve will suffer painful childbirth! And you, you snake! You will slither on the ground forever!”

“God, why?”

“Simple, I told them not to eat it and they disobeyed me! So they have to be punished! Thus, the original sin!”

“Couldn’t you just forgive them and let them stay in the garden?”

“No! Now they must go live on earth with nothing else!”